Losing the Mean: When Your Teen or Tween is with Someone Who's Abusive

Do you have a son or a daughter who desperately wishes he or she had a boyfriend/girlfriend? When that happens, it can be a sort of relief--or a nightmare. The nightmare part happens when that boy or girlfriend is abusive. 

For the purpose of this post, I'm thinking verbally, because physical abuse is usually much easier to see and react to. B
If your son or daughter is with someone who puts them down with a lot of ugly commentary, what can you do? What should you do?

My personal feeling is that no matter what the circumstances are, you need to put a stop to it. I refuse to believe that someone being ugly to their girlfriend, boyfriend or any friend is good for them in any way, shape or form. I would hope that there is no one modeling verbal abuse at your home (and if there is, it's crucial to deal with it).

My own circumstances growing up did involve verbal and physical abuse from my mom, who (I believe) struggled with what my sister calls a borderline disorder. It took many years of pain to realize I needed to take active steps -- with therapy and other active changes -- to alter the pattern. 

That's why I think it's something you always have to watch and be vigilant about. If you hear someone talking to your son or daughter in a way that makes you cringe, all I can say is, don't ignore it.  

I've already said you need to deal with abusive behavior at home (hopefully, long before you have kids, though it's never too late at any age). If there is no verbal abuse at home, it is still helpful to take a look at what IS going on. Are you and your spouse talking to each other, or is everyone in their own world? Do you model kindness and compassion? Or do you get mad easily and stomp around?

How do you talk to your kids? Are you impatient with them or do they get the same consideration as adults in your household? If you are divorced, how are your exes talking to you or about you and how do you talk about them?

All of this plays a role in what your son or daughter is expecting from his or her relationships. I can't answer any of these questions for you, but I can ask YOU to ask them--and to be sure you get the answers you need.

Again, while I don't advocate that parents step in and take a hard line on everything, I do emphatically think it's never acceptable for anyone, including kids, to be verbally abusive to each other. There's no excuse for it and no way to walk it back once it's happened -- so you have to keep it from continuing.

If you need help getting there, I found some articles that may resonate for you and for the people you love.

Is Your Teen in an Abusive Relationship?

Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

Kids Who Are Verbally Abusive



Argument Photo: Erich Ferdinand