The Centerhold

Like many moms, I used to bring my son to early childhood family education and sat through discussions led by an early childhood facilitator. I don't remember most of them, but one really got my attention. 

The facilitator had us draw a chart of what we were most affected by in the order it affected us: world events, teachers, school, careers, family and community.

 All  of us put family in the center as what affected our lives most.

Going back to my childhood and looking at my life and all the choices I made, I still think that's true. It doesn't mean I want to use it as an excuse for the times I mess up, but I know that growing up in the family I had affected all those choices deeply. 

It's a cautionary, scary tale as well as a good one, because there is so much I did because of my family upbringing and so much I didn't do. It's also cautionary in the kind of mom I was, wasn't and wanted to be. The exercise was meant to teach us we had to be careful as parents because everything we did would affect our kids.

Of course we can't be careful all the time. But it is important to keep in mind the power we, as parents, have. What we didn't talk about in that class was how important it is for adult children to be aware of the effect they're having when they talk to their parents. That old Atticus Finch line (which was floating around for centuries) about walking around in someone else's shoes is the foundation for all of it. Because family is the centerhold.

The center can hold, if you want it, to paraphrase/mash up Yeats, John and Yoko.

Of course, family doesn't always live up to our expectations or desires or needs. More often than not, sadly, we hurt and disappoint each other; embarrass, annoy and bore each other. In extreme cases, we can destroy each other's souls until there's nothing but ruins; and then, the only way to survive is by abandoning ship.

Sometimes leaving is permanent and other times there is room and desire for reconciliation. Whether you choose to leave or stay, know this: your family is still the centerhold and is still affecting you. 

And while it's possible to transcend the debris you encountered, you'll need to do a lot of work to make that happen. Meanwhile, there will always be a kernel of old habits you'll need to fight, even if you find a "family of choice" or a bunch of roommates and hang out solely with them.

I say this as someone who has experienced all of this. Friends used to call it being a wounded warrior, which made us laugh, but a part of that is true.

Meanwhile, we keep Truckin' and that's what we need to do. Underneath all those quarrels and decisions and holiday dinners and weddings and funerals is love. I hope that wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, that love floats to the top and keeps you centered.

And your loved ones, too.