Honest Books for Middle Graders Start with Being Honest with Ourselves

My friend Sheila (whose name I changed to protect her privacy) was 12 or 13 when we met, and I was too. We were at a day camp in New Jersey and I think it's safe to say we were all pretty happy there. Sheila was tall for her age, a willowy redhead with blue eyes and freckles. I have red hair too, but Sheila was much closer to the "ideal" beauty than most girls her age.

In other words, I tended to think of my friend as pretty much having it all. None of us were at the dating stage yet, but you could already tell Sheila would have no trouble finding guys who would turn themselves inside out for her. 

Besides being a beauty, Sheila was genuinely kind and smart and sunny. She was also a friend you could depend on to have your back. Girls like me were in awe of her--so it came as not just a surprise, but a shock, to meet her parents.

I met them one Saturday evening at a family party for adults and their kids. Sheila had invited me and a few other friends, and I had been looking forward to it.

Sheila and I went downstairs so she could introduce me to her mom and dad. Her mother was absolutely beautiful--a kind of preview of what Sheila might look like when she grew up. I am guessing she was in her late thirties, and she was SO gorgeous I can barely remember what Sheila's father looked like. I want to say sideburns and a 1970s suit--or something like that.

But where I'd be incredibly proud and thrilled by a daughter like Sheila, her mother was not. When Sheila greeted her mother with a smile and introduced us, her mother frowned and looked at us like we were ruining her evening.

I DO remember Sheila's mom dancing with her husband and not so much talking as growling at Sheila through the entire time we were with them. I remember feeling so badly for Sheila, who kept smiling and trying to get her mother to smile back at her, just once. 

Watching my friend go through this was heartbreaking, but I had no idea what to do or say to help. I just stood there, watching and wishing I could kick Sheila's mom, or at least ask her why she was being such a jerk.

Looking back on it, I think Sheila's mother may have been in competition with her daughter. I can't imagine the kind of person who would feel that way and worse, act on it, but that's very much what I was seeing. I don't have an ending for this story because neither Sheila or I ever talked about it again, and I never shared the details with any of our other friends.

I do still think about it, because I write for younger teens and middle-grade kids, and wonder how they would process having a parent who was jealous of them. Parents are human, and of course feelings like jealousy rise in our throats unexpectedly. But I would hope most of us would push those feelings away when it comes to how we treat our children.

What kind of message was Sheila's mom sending her about women, or about what it means to be a woman? My own mother had mood swings that used to scare me to death, but at the same time I knew she loved me fiercely and was never, ever in competition with me. I can't help but wonder if Sheila's mother gave her daughter a lasting feeling of mistrust toward other women -- or had the opposite effect.

I'll never know the answer. I wanted to share this story because I think there may be other parents out there who are wrestling with feelings they don't want, and I know for sure there are kids doing the same. One place that has always been safe for me to share feelings is in my writing, which gives writers and readers a way to explore what's troubling them.

It may not solve everything, but I don't think we can tame our feelings without knowing what they are--which is why I became a writer in the first place.

 At the moment -- as I'm writing this -- I'm also working on book three of The Beat Street series. When I talked with my husband about the story I'm writing, he asked if it was too "heavy" for kids.

My main character Ruby is 12 and her brother is 15. They are watching their father struggle with his life on a lot of different levels, and they see him failing quite a bit. Kids as young as 10 might possibly read the book, and I want to be sensitive to that. At the same time, I want to show readers what Ruby is going through honestly.

So, rightly or wrongly, I think it's important to tell stories that can make us feel uncomfortable. Another way of saying that may be "telling the truth." Because if I sugarcoat the experience I'm writing about my readers will know it, whether they are 10 or 12 or 20 or 49. I think all of us know as well that kids are going through tough stuff. We can either acknowledge that and talk about it--or not talk about it.

If we don't, I'd like to keep in mind that middle graders may be reading adult books without their parents knowing it. I certainly did, since all I had to do was stroll into my older sister's room to find something.

At the same time, I don't want to scare any 10 year olds or ruin their day. I want to be true to a middle-grader's experience though, because middle graders are dealing with experiences they need help to process sometimes.

I've collected a few articles about this:

Middle grade books take on mature topics

Three children's authors on the importance of tough topics in children's literature

15 Empowering middle-grade books for kids interested in social justice

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts - either in comments or writing to me at jennazark.com.

Redhead reading photo: Frank Kovalchek