So What?

 I know I'm not alone here when I say the past year has felt like "too much" and I felt like I was crumbling under the weight of it. Stress seemed to pile up no matter what I did or do, and I haven't found a real way to stop that stress.

Last night a little light went on. What if I stopped putting so many expectations on myself to be perfect and to conquer every little mess that gets thrown my way?

DO I do that?

Yes. Daily. 

So when I can't get certain projects done perfectly, I blame myself. When I can't get a certain amount of physical activity each week, or I miss an appointment, or I get an exceptionally bad photo at the DMV, I blame myself.

Ditto if I don't write brilliantly every time I work on fiction or a play. Or every exchange or friendship doesn't work exactly the way I think I should.

Am I a control freak? No, and I think prefectionism and control are related, but not necessarily by behavior. I don't expect other people to behave the way I think they should. But I do expect myself to get everything right, always.

Why I do that has much to do with how I was raised, but it's not something I can fix at this point. So, here's where I want to start in dismantling this insanity.

News: I read the news every day and get upset every day. Can I change the news? No. If there is something I witness that's wrong or some way I  can help someone, I believe in doing that. I do know my vote can make a huge difference and I will always do that.

But if there's a war in another country, I can't fix that. So I need to read the news differently, which means acknowledging there's only so much I can do about it. 

Right now, I'm like a fly who lands on one worry after another after another. I need to shut down that fly and STOP landing on those worries. I'm starting by asking myself questions like, "What if I don't get everything done today? What if I eat too much chocolate? What if I don't get what I want? Can I look for something sort of like it? Yes. Do I need to beat myself up about it? No.

There's a song in the musical Cabaret that talks about a character who used to get upset about every little thing that didn't go "right." She taught herself to say "So what?" and was doing better.

I need to teach that to myself, too. So I'm promising myself at least to try it, and making that promise publicly.

And if I don't keep that promise every day, do I say, "So what?" Maybe. Yes. It's a start.