Did I Lose My Fearlessness?

I smoked Marlboros or Parliaments; drank Manhattans, stout and burgundy wine. I took risks of all kinds with my friends — including auditioning for parts we thought were right for us. When they didn’t happen, we dealt with rejection and heartbreak, pulled ourselves up and started over. Romantic relationships were pretty crazy, too— but they taught me so much, they were worth it. When all this happened, I was twenty.

Looking back on those days now, where did my courage and confidence go?

It seems to have vanished, and I need it now, more than ever. There are days life gets to you, and you know you’ll rebound. Today, there is no rebound — just a lot of fear where courage used to be.

I lived in Boston four years as an Emerson College student and then stayed one extra year in an administrative job for what may have been a community college. (I could never figure out what it really was.) What would academics do without newly minted graduates who neaten up their bosses’ lives?

I lived as I imagined people should live, if those people were twenty. Once, I set out with my laundry and ran into two castmates from a play who invited me to a friend’s wedding. Scooting home, I dumped the laundry and changed into a dress that was bought at a thrift store. After eleven glasses of champagne at the wedding, I came home sailing on a pink cloud, making my roommate laugh.

It was a time of fearlessness and confidence. The belief that while I was an unholy mess and the world was an even worse mess, I was going to triumph, one way or another. I couldn’t have told you what that way would be, except it would involve either acting or writing.

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