Apologies: How to and Not to

We all hate them; we all have to make them; and how do we teach our kids to make them without prompting when they've done something wrong?

Apologies are either convincing or forced, and we've all had a lot of slick ones growing up in a world where everyone is asked not only to confess, but to apologize on viral videos - and not-so-viral ones as well.

Yet how many are sincere? How many do we believe, and how many can we believe? 

As parents, we know it's only a matter of time before our kids do something that hurts someone else, verbally or physically. We ourselves do it often enough and seem only to apologize when we have skin in the game.

But even then, how do we make an apology that satisfies someone else? Especially if we do something more than once -- like losing our temper at them?

I think we have to figure out what we want to say and meant to say; explain it and then apologize. I don't think an apology can just stand by itself. And sometimes we feel justified in getting angry and then it's even harder to we're sorry.

But getting to the root of how we feel can at least help us realize where to start.

If your child does something outrageous, and you make him or her apologize, your child will of course do it; especially if you threaten to take away something your child loves. But remorse and empathy take a longer time to develop, and need to develop in a different way.

What that involves is hard to say, but I think it involves the experience of getting and keeping friendships, learning to like someone, and realizing that your friendship can break if you don't handle things right (including apologies.)

If I were to write a primer on apologizing, I'd boil it down to this:

1. Figure out why you said or did whatever offended the other person

2. Go to him or her directly, hopefully in person so you can look at them straight on

3. Explain what you were thinking and why

4. Apologize for what you said and let the person know you understand how it made him or her feel

5. Try to understand if they don't see it the same way and realize

6. Sometimes your apology won't be accepted; but you still need to make one

7. If your child does something, keep talking to them about it until they at least understand what you are talking about

As to how you give your children a conscience, I am still kind of in the dark on that one. I believe just trying to model that is the best thing you can do. Being kind and meeting their needs helps (essentially), too. :)

More and better thoughts on apologies can be found here:

How to Teach Your Child Empathy

The 5-Step Playbook for Teaching Your Kid How to Apologize

Here's What Works Way Better than Forcing Your Kid to Say So

Pouting child photo:  Sharon Mollerus


Thank you for visiting today. Go here to see my privacy policy.