Out of Comfort Zone Into Kayak

Apologies for not writing sooner - I ran away with my darlin' this week to the Keys to celebrate his birthday and get out of Dodge, which in our case means the snowiest February I can remember. (Probably one of THE snowiest in decades and longer).

We found a place with a chlorine free pool (win) and a turquoise bay that instantly lifted our spirits. Sea kayaks were on shore and while I wanted to get in, something (fear) was holding me back.

I'm not even sure why, so I don't know what to tell you - except the idea of tipping over and falling in right in front of a bunch of strangers was activating all my anxiety neurons.

I have way too many of those.

So every day I would look at the kayaks and tell my guy (Pete) we should take one out, and then find some excuse not to. There were two kinds - tiny one-person kayaks and then the two person ones. He said if I felt safer on the two-seater, that was fine with him.

Finally, on the next to last day we were there, I said we HAVE to do this and we have to do it NOW. We signed a release (if you drown, etc., the lodge is not responsible) and I brought my paddle and life jacket to the shore line.

Pete had taken out the one-seater, and was holding it for me.

"Why are you holding that one?" I asked. "I thought we were supposed to be doing the two-seater."

"I think this will be easier," he said.

I didn't know what to say. On one hand, I could see it would be easier to steer my own boat, so to speak, and on the other, my anxiety was doing a steady drumbeat in my head.

I decided to go for it and threw the life preserver into the little kayak. I climbed in, thinking about an Isak Dinesen story where the heroine keeps trying to prove to her new husband that she is fearless and does crazy things like standing on the edge of a cliff. And of course I was also in Hemingway country.

I am nothing like that - though I wish I was. I thought of times when I really WAS fearless - and wondered where that went as the years went on.

I think some of my anxiety started when my son was small and I overworried about every little thing. I wanted him to be adventurous, and he did turn out to be; but I worried just the same and I think that sent my caution into overdrive.

I picked up the paddle as Pete turned the kayak around. And what I found was that it was incredibly easy to steer and I was in no danger of capsizing. He jumped into his kayak and we went round the bay, hugging the shoreline, and I wondered why it had taken me so long to do this.

Today I'm waking up to piles of snow and ice outside my window, but in just a few months, the lake near our house will thaw. Northern lake style kayaks are different than sea kayaks, but just having been in one taught me I can do it and should at least try.

All of which is to say I think the universe is telling me I don't have to hang back as much as I do these days. And that a little risk doesn't just have to be present in my fictional characters like Ruby in the Beat Street Series.

It can live in reality, too.

Photo: Mine


Thank you for visiting today. Go here to see my privacy policy.