Growing Up Determined and How Saying No Can Help (in Answer to the College Cheating Scandal)

Like many of you, I was caught off guard this week by the college cheating scandal--which I'm not going to talk about here. I will only say it's not quite the surprise it should be to see the rich and entitled thinking they're entitled to everything, no matter how it hurts anyone else... but still.

Right now I want to talk about saying no to my son Josh, which no parent likes to do, but I think it made him stronger, which is a cliche, of course. So I'll explain.

Josh started asking for things he wanted verbally as a toddler--and as a single mom, I often had to say no. As a three-year-old, that meant tears and tantrums, but as he got older, he got better at it, and looking back on it, I can see the roots of the person he is now.

In fifth grade, he wanted to rent a saxophone to play in the school band, and as I recall there was some issue--it may be that the saxophones were more expensive--but, even though I was remarried by then, money was still tight and I tried to say no.

Josh made a strong case for why he should play in band and play that particular instrument--saying he knew it was the right one for him, he would practice every day and being part of the band made him like school better. I thought about it some, but could see he was right--and he has played saxophone ever since.

I won't say he always won his arguments--but he did win some, including ones about clothes, sports teams, music and what college to attend.

His first choice was Lawrence University, which was of course the most expensive, and I had no idea what scholarships might be available for him. As it happened, Lawrence did not take ACT scores into account (and for those who don't know, ACT is another kind of standardized test similar to the SAT).

To get into Lawrence as a conservatory student, you had to audition, and you had to audition classically. Josh had been taking singing lessons for just a few months before the audition, and all we could be certain of was that it would be hard to get accepted to this school.

He asked at one point if I thought he had any chance of getting in. "I know whatever happens, you're going to have an incredible career," I told him. "But I don't know how it's going to go with Lawrence."

The important thing, we both agreed, was to try. I also told him that whatever happened, I believed in him and believed in his talent. It didn't really help at the moment, but it was all I could think of to say.

The audition room at Lawrence was full of students and many had been going to music academies like Interlachen since elementary school. I tried to shrug it off but couldn't help but feel questionable about my son's chances. Still, I knew he had already been accepted at other schools and would be happy there.

After several hours, it was time for Josh to audition. I stayed outside the door but couldn't hear much --and when it opened he came bounding out, as happy as I had ever seen him. I was glad at least to see that, because it meant he had a good time, and his father taught both of us THAT was the purpose of all auditions.

Weeks and weeks later, Josh received an email message at my address, as he didn't have email yet, believe it or not. The message said that only 30 applicants were accepted out of something like 150--and he WAS going to be one of them.

I barely remember driving to pick him up at school. But I do remember when I told him he got into Lawrence he said "Get out of town!" and we both laughed. And what I learned that day, what I really learned, is I had a son who was willing to take risks and who could make a case for what he wanted.

I understand there were many incredible students auditioning that day, and it is likely Josh was chosen because he was a bass baritone and the school needed some that year. But that doesn't diminish the fact that he worked hard and earned his place, and that included working on his grades in other subjects too.

That helped him get scholarships and loans which made the school affordable--and got us to yes even though we started with mostly "no." Which reminds me of something I read once by Nia Vardalos, who wrote My Big Fat Greek Wedding. She said most of us will hear "no" more than we'll ever hear "yes" - and that how we react makes all the difference.

So I guess seeing stories about parents doing whatever they can to make things easier for their kids kind of spooks me. Because if you don't believe they have what they need to make it... what kind of message are you sending? And if they never hear "no"... what are they hearing?

And in case you're struggling with saying no or managing expectations, here's a few articles:

How to Say No to Your Kids and Why They'll Thank You Later

How to Manage Kids' Expectations in an Age of Entitlement


Photo: Jeff Placzek - Cheers Photography


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