Deer Ones

Are you feeling a little, um, SCREAMY right now? (I ask because I am). 

I guess what's really getting to me is not the BIG thing. It's a bunch of little ones. Is it always that way? I don't know.

Never mind the pandemic, she says. Here's what's driving me crazy today:

• Getting up early on a weekend to drive around looking for supplies like toilet paper, wipes, hand sanitizer (forget it), paper towels and alcohol. Husband tried first, then I tried. Between us we found a few things. (If you are hoarding toilet paper, you are NOT my friend.
• Being scared by... grocery shopping! Could I ever have imagined that while watching every horror movie in the world? But that's what I'm feeling right now. Was I less than six feet away from that lady who just scooted by me? Of course not. Did someone with the virus touch that pear? Can I stop driving myself crazy for seven seconds? Apparently not.
• Washing hands, washing hands again, cleaning the counter, disinfecting sponges in the microwave, washing the floor, washing containers and packaging when I get home from the grocery store.

"As if we weren't neurotic enough," my husband says.

I nod and laugh, and we both laugh, and then start washing our hands again. 

I try not to worry about my son and his fiance in New York and whether all this virus stuff will be behind us (Satan) in time for their August wedding.

I try not to worry about all my family and friends in New York and how they're getting through this. I want to go see them in April and have a plane ticket, even though everyone (including my son) is telling me it's best to cancel it. I haven't been able to yet. I just haven't been able to make the call.

I try not to worry about all my friends and neighbors (especially the older ones) and all the people I know in theater and restaurant work who have been laid off and are struggling to pay rent. 

I would go for a walk but it's pouring. 

Deep breath. 

Last night, 2 a.m. 

My husband told me he got up for a moment and looked out the window. Four deer were on the lawn eating the dried out bits of garden in our front yard. 

I am not going to worry about whether or not they're eating up the first spring shoots of flowers or plants. I just love that we have deer out there.

I'm hoping to get up tonight so I can see them. Because even one tiny ray of pretty in a world full of screamy will make me feel better.

That's all I want right now. Well, not all. But I'll take it.