Beating the Lonely in Pandemic Times

Are you having a lonely day? I hope not, but I'm guessing at least half of the people reading this are. I work with a non-profit that serves older adults, and one of the first things I learned there was that isolation is as lethal as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.

Divorce, death of a partner, moving to a new city, losing a job and trying to find another--each one of these events carries it's own loneliness with it. Finding new friends can be absolutely terrifying when you're new somewhere--to the point where all you want to do is stay in bed. Of course, that makes it even worse, which is why sometimes getting yourself to meet people is the most crucial thing you can do.

Except the pandemic has messed up our ability to go out and meet people big time. As life opens up a bit more, we depend on outdoor events, which is great, except again--a lot of them are still socially distanced. So how do you meet people and have real conversations?

Technology has stepped in as our surrogate friend these days--but for older people who are not comfortable with technology, that's a non-starter. So, what's available for them? I started checking this out because of where I work, but hope it's useful to anyone reading this. 

1. If you're a younger person and have a grandparent or neighbor who's lonely, please! Try and help them figure out their technology. Things like FaceTime can really make a huge difference in their lives and don't take that much time to figure out.

2. If you yourself are wondering how to navigate Zoom and other technologies, there are organizations that can help you. Generations on Line offers online tutoring to older adults for free. 

Another group called Cyber Seniors pairs older adults with high school or college students who serve as technology mentors. You can book a one-to-one call and hopefully at some point soon, meet up with a student in person.

Senior Planet is another group with online classes and resources.

3. But even while writing this I know there are people out there who still don't feel up to learning about technology. I've done a little research and found out there are churches and synagogues where you can attend in-person services in cities and towns all around the country. Yes, there is masking and social distancing--but that doesn't mean you can't meet people--starting with the clergy. Many senior centers are open now, too.

If you're still worried about attending in-person events--especially indoors in winter--I understand. I just want to tell you not to give up, because as more people get vaccinated and more become immune to COVID, more and more groups and organizations will open their doors. When they do, I hope you'll walk inside--because they need you, even if they don't know it yet. They need your stories, life experience, humor and talent. They need your courage, which you've shown throughout your life.

So make a call. Stop by. Go inside (or outside). We need you. We need to know you. We all do.

Friends Photo: Jesse Wagstaff

When Grandparents Need Help: What Your Kids Should Know

When my son was nine, his grandparents started needing more help, and our family started thinking about what it would look like if the grandparents moved out here and lived nearby. I remember telling Josh he might have to watch over them sometimes and was promptly greeted by a blank stare and the words, "What do you MEAN?"

"Well, Grandma might forget something and you could remind her," I said. "Or Grandpa might need you to walk with him if he wants to take a walk."

My son seemed to be OK with that, but I was having a harder time. Watching my parents grow older and frailer was painful, because no matter what our ages were, they were always my parents and somehow "in charge." My mother's difficulties with memory kept increasing, the older she got. I had become used to that, but when my father started having memory issues around age 85, I wished I could have put all of us into a time machine and flown us backwards.

As it turned out, my mother died before my parents could move anywhere, and my father moved to Fort Lee, NJ to be closer to my sister. When she left town a few years later, my dad was having even more memory problems and moved to a small, intimate assisted living-memory care house about 30 miles from our place.

Josh was in college by then, and visited his grandfather whenever he was home. But he had seen both grandparents struggling as they grew older. At first I worried about how this was affecting him, and then I figured something out: the journey my parents were on was relevant for all of us.

We might experience physical deterioration or we might deteriorate mentally, but we're bound to experience one or the other, the older we get. (Some, who are lucky, will barely deteriorate at all, but that's rare enough so I wouldn't want to count on it.) In other decades, we became familiar with illness and death at an early age. Why do we want to over-protect our kids from what life has in store for us?

Years before my father's difficulties became apparent, when Josh was ten, I brought him with me on what would become his last visit to his grandmother, who was close to the end of her life. Instead of being scared or upset, he surprised me by staying with my mother all day, talking to her and listening to her talk. They laughed and enjoyed each other's company in ways I couldn't possibly anticipate. And I couldn't have been prouder of my kid.

So if your parents are experiencing health problems or even crises, I would encourage you not to keep your kids away from them. Involving your kids in caring for grandparents can give them experiences they will always cherish - and never be able to get any other way.

Thirsty for Grandparents? Me Too

The thirst began in childhood, when I’d hear stories from other kids about their grandparents. Trips to the zoo, hot chocolate at bedtime, funky old houses with secret passageways to explore, Christmas and Hanukkah parties were all part of others' family lore. I listened intently, hoping somehow I could find grandparents too.

My own had died before I could meet them, probably because my parents were well into middle age by the time I was born. Though my sister remembered our grandparents slightly, her faded memories did little to quench my thirst for real people I could adore. The thirst continued and then, just after college, I met friends who described their relationship with an older adult who was becoming like an adopted grandfather.

I couldn’t help but be curious, and invited them to bring him to dinner. My boyfriend and I slaved all day, cooking and cleaning, to make the evening perfect, and at last, the gentleman came, along with my friends.

They were definitely close and it was a fun evening, but it became clear within two minutes he wasn’t going to be my adopted grandfather—he already had a couple of "grand-kids" and that was enough for him.

I remember being despondent for days. My sister used to say all she wanted was a family, and I used to think that was crazy because we had one—mother, father, her and me. But when your family is small and busy, and you don’t have much interaction with each other (and/or it’s negative interaction), it can feel like you don’t have much of a family at all.

None of this is to say I didn’t love my mother and father or that they didn’t love me. It is to say that I grew up craving grandparents and still wish I’d gotten to know at least one of them. My father’s parents had colorful histories—a Klezmer musician with a dark, artistic, sensual face and a grandmother who was known for her beauty and gentleness and loved the movies (like her granddaughter).

My maternal grandmother Jenny (for whom I was named) was reputed to be an amazing cook who singlehandedly supported her family and kept them together after her husband died when my mother was about 13. My mom's father Louis was a foreman on an estate in Russia and rode a horse around his employer’s land there. What stories would I have learned if I’d known them?

Now, in The Beat on Ruby’s Street, I created a character without grandparents either, though she does know some of their tragic histories. Like me, Ruby is in search of a family, but she doesn’t really know it. The artists living around her who support each other’s work and create a community are the start of a family she’ll seek out for the rest of her life.

Writing that, I have to smile because it sounds so Freudian. At the same time, I think the best art comes out of thirst for what we want, and that thirst propels us forward into creating. So it’s probably not worth worrying about what Freud would say.

What I would say is if you’re looking for something (like grandparents, or anything else) and you haven’t found it, write a story about it. Paint something. Or write a song. Creation is thirsty—and that’s a good thing.

  

More

Whether or not you had grandparents, you can find some fun articles about them online:

Accidental New Yorkers: Grandparents Relocate by Ronnie Koenig

Which Grandparent are You Most Related to? by Razib Khan

In China, it’s the Grandparents Who ‘Lean In’ by Kelly Yang