What I Learned about Coparenting at Holiday Time

 

As chocolate mini-eggs and matzahs begin showing up in grocery stores and signs of spring (slowly) start to manifest themselves, we know Passover and Easter are coming soon. For parents, that means enjoying celebrations with our kids. For divorced parents, it's also time to celebrate--and figure out how to share that celebration with co-parents who no longer live with us.

While I always admired divorced parents who were able to celebrate holidays with their kids together, that wasn't my lot for a long, long time. Instead, I had to work with my son's father to figure out where he'd go on which holiday. It wasn't always easy, which is why I started writing Crooked Lines: A Single Mom's Jewish Journey.

What I learned is that every year is different--with a different set of circumstances. One year, your kid might have a huge paper due over spring break or Christmas. That might mean it's better to spend more time with you, if writing is your specialty (ahem!) Another year, your child's paternal grandparents may be visiting from Alabama and he or she would like to spend more time with them.

The key, in my view? Be flexible. The best-laid plans won't do anyone any good if they don't work for your child. Other thoughts on making holidays work for your child and family:

1. Set up a time to discuss how to handle each holiday without your child being present. Use email, phone, or talk in person if that works for you.

2. Don't make holiday time a competition between you. The ideal solution is to give your child equal time with both of you as much as possible. That may mean spending Christmas week with you one year and New Year's week with a former spouse. Or it may mean Christmas Eve and your house and Christmas Day at the other parent's. If you're trying to divide a holiday like Passover, that's pretty easy: the first Passover seder is at one parent's house, and the second is at the other parent's house.

3. Explain to your child or children that you and the other parent are celebrating the holidays with them on different days, but make sure they know they will be seeing both parents. If a child is upset with the decision, don't ignore them. Instead, talk to them about what they want and why, and see if there are any possibilities for the future that will take the child's preferences into account.

4. Remember this is a trial and error thing. It's OK to make mistakes--and even better if you can correct them.

What if you can't come to an agreement with your former partner? If you worked with a mediator before divorcing, you might try calling that mediator to provide a suggestion or two. You might also try giving in to a request from the other parent now, with the condition that you can switch gears for the next holiday.

Whatever you do, don't give up trying to communicate with your former husband or wife. Your child's happiness is the priority--and that happiness depends on you both. For more information on how to coparent during holidays, I found the articles below:

Coparenting and the Holidays: Tips for Divorced Parents

Coparenting During the Holidays

Tips on Holiday Coparenting When Divorced or Separated

Photo by Suzi Kim on Unsplash