Fearless Mom: A Passover Backstory

This week's news: my article about how to make a Passover maror with plenty of kick and punch was published in Unpacked this week, and you can read it here.

What I don't share in the article is the backstory about that maror, a.k.a. horseradish sauce, which sits on seder plates throughout the world as Passover begins.

This story starts with my mom (and my dad a little bit, too). I grew up watching them make maror every spring, a few days before the holiday in the basement of our home. I think they were in the basement because they could open the patio door and not disturb the main floor of our house with too many fumes.

My father reported that he could barely stand it, but my mom would have said no such thing. First, an explanation of what maror is and does. It is supposed to symbolize the bitterness of slavery and the tears shed by captive Jews as they toiled involuntarily for their "masters" in Egypt. And yes, maror literally means bitter herbs.

You make maror with horseradish root and today, we typically use a food processor. My mother and father used a food grinder, and I have no idea how they survived. Most online sources tell you that even with a food processor you should turn your face away when opening the lid, and make sure to open lots of windows or doors while making this dish. Many people wear goggles. 

But not my mom. When it came to maror, she was fearless. I think in fact she was maror, and maror was her. She was unwavering, larger than life, and no bitter herb was ever going to get the better of her. When she brought her maror to her brother's house for our yearly seder, my cousin Stewie couldn't get enough. The only maror he would eat was my mother's, and I think she made it stronger every year just to please him.

As strong as it was, I have to say, it was still delicious, though you had to be sure to eat it with as big of a helping as you could find of fish, brisket or whatever you had available. Mostly, the horseradish is eaten with something called gefilte fish, which my husband won't touch but which is a staple at Passover. It is made up of poachaed, ground fish such as carp, whitefish or pike and since it is fairly bland, it seems to pair well with maror. 

I think Passover allowed my mother to come into her own in ways that didn't happen the rest of the year. She wore bright red lipstick (every day) and red was her favorite color. I think she made her maror with beets because of it.

Mom wasn't someone you would get by easily if you told her a lie (she always knew it, anyway). She could be incredibly supportive and insightful, and she loved Broadway shows, which sowed the seeds for me as an actor and playwright. But if you crossed her, God help you. 

At the same time, I miss how smart she was about people and life and how determined she was about going after what she wanted. She taught me that persistence, and I'm so grateful she did.

That's why the recipe in this article is dedicated to you, Mom. I hope you get to celebrate Passover wherever you are. I hope they let you make maror -- and the malachim (angels) line up for a taste because everyone at your table is raving about it.

Maror Photo via Unpacked from Wikipedia Commons

Mom photo from Zark family collection

What I Learned about Coparenting at Holiday Time

 

As chocolate mini-eggs and matzahs begin showing up in grocery stores and signs of spring (slowly) start to manifest themselves, we know Passover and Easter are coming soon. For parents, that means enjoying celebrations with our kids. For divorced parents, it's also time to celebrate--and figure out how to share that celebration with co-parents who no longer live with us.

While I always admired divorced parents who were able to celebrate holidays with their kids together, that wasn't my lot for a long, long time. Instead, I had to work with my son's father to figure out where he'd go on which holiday. It wasn't always easy, which is why I started writing Crooked Lines: A Single Mom's Jewish Journey.

What I learned is that every year is different--with a different set of circumstances. One year, your kid might have a huge paper due over spring break or Christmas. That might mean it's better to spend more time with you, if writing is your specialty (ahem!) Another year, your child's paternal grandparents may be visiting from Alabama and he or she would like to spend more time with them.

The key, in my view? Be flexible. The best-laid plans won't do anyone any good if they don't work for your child. Other thoughts on making holidays work for your child and family:

1. Set up a time to discuss how to handle each holiday without your child being present. Use email, phone, or talk in person if that works for you.

2. Don't make holiday time a competition between you. The ideal solution is to give your child equal time with both of you as much as possible. That may mean spending Christmas week with you one year and New Year's week with a former spouse. Or it may mean Christmas Eve and your house and Christmas Day at the other parent's. If you're trying to divide a holiday like Passover, that's pretty easy: the first Passover seder is at one parent's house, and the second is at the other parent's house.

3. Explain to your child or children that you and the other parent are celebrating the holidays with them on different days, but make sure they know they will be seeing both parents. If a child is upset with the decision, don't ignore them. Instead, talk to them about what they want and why, and see if there are any possibilities for the future that will take the child's preferences into account.

4. Remember this is a trial and error thing. It's OK to make mistakes--and even better if you can correct them.

What if you can't come to an agreement with your former partner? If you worked with a mediator before divorcing, you might try calling that mediator to provide a suggestion or two. You might also try giving in to a request from the other parent now, with the condition that you can switch gears for the next holiday.

Whatever you do, don't give up trying to communicate with your former husband or wife. Your child's happiness is the priority--and that happiness depends on you both. For more information on how to coparent during holidays, I found the articles below:

Coparenting and the Holidays: Tips for Divorced Parents

Coparenting During the Holidays

Tips on Holiday Coparenting When Divorced or Separated

Photo by Suzi Kim on Unsplash

Can Passover and Easter Candies Ever Be Friends?

Passover and Easter typically fall on the same weekend, but while Jewish people give up their bread and anything else that's leavened, Easter peeps are for Easter peeps - who also get chocolate Easter eggs.

Making me a little jealous, because who doesn't love chocolate Easter eggs?

The fact is that Easter and Passover candies are completely, structurally opposed to each other and can never, ever, ever be eaten in the same space. Unless?

Unless. 

You stumble into an intermarriage - or an Easter-inclined neighbor's house.

When my son was little, my husband used to hide chocolate eggs for him all around the house. While it wasn't exactly the most kosher-for-Passover tradition, I allowed it on the grounds that it was a way for Pete for share his tradition with us. 

AND because. Who doesn't love chocolate Easter eggs? 

So of course, I could sneak them into my dessert after a day of matzah and roast chicken.

These days, we don't have those chocolate eggs, since Josh is well past the age where he would go hunting for them. And I can hardly ask for them, can I?

What I can do, though, is tell you my favorite: the eggs that tasted like malted milk balls. 

And because I'm missing them, I found some recommendations for Easter Egg candies that are worth waiting for all year.

Now for the Passover candies, chocolates are usually fine, but most of us end up eating macaroons, especially those of us who are not gourmet cooks or foodies and who have barely three minutes to turn around, let alone think about baking for this or any other holiday.

This year I bought the Manischewitz pistachio orange and my staple, chocolate chip, but in truth they're much better when you bake your own. There was a place called Tova's All Natural, but it closed, and it's not all that easy to find ready-made kosher-for Passover macaroons.

I did a little digging, though, and found Magnolia, which seems to be offering some interesting macaroons, even though they are pretty spendy. 

Streit's macaroons also seem to be available too, and I for one am always happy when I see Streit's is still around and hasn't been eaten by the (ahem!) other ubiquitous Passover company that is everywhere, in every store, every year.

Intriguingly, I also discovered Gefen's macaroons, which made me want to try them next year, when I haven't spent every penny of my paycheck on Passover.

Then again, maybe I'll go back to Passover chocolate this year (and yes, I'm choosing Godiva because it's my fantasy, not yours). Besides, if I close my eyes, I can almost pretend it's a chocolate Easter egg. 

Macaroon photo: slgckgc

Call and Response

I'm reading an article about friendship by Jennifer Senior in Atlantic right now, titled "It's Your Friends Who Break Your Heart." While I can't say breaking up with a spouse is easier (even in the slightest) I do agree that friends are much more important than we give them credit for.

Two years into the coronavirus pandemic, I am sorely missing the company of friends and am starting to come up with ideas for how to see them. 

This week, the promise of spring (and lower case counts) is making me conjure up all sorts of plans for numerous (but small) outdoor gatherings. I'm also thinking a lot about friendship in general, and what it's meant throughout my life. In my upcoming book Crooked Lines: A Single Mom's Jewish Journey" I've written about this more than I realized:

"There is something about a circle of close friends that makes you taller, more beautiful and stronger. You can be who you are, and all you have to do is walk in the door and fit like a puzzle piece into a world you own. There are no stairs to climb, no interviews, no auditions; you can plug in and light up the room or shrink to the corner and read a magazine. Whatever you do, you will be part of these people and they will be part of you, whenever you are together...

...{Because} the power we gain in friendships is something else again. I've stood on stages and bowed to a roomful of applause; I've sung harmonies under tents with band mates and thanked strangers for their kindness and praise. But nothing has made me stronger than my friends."

Looking back over the book, I can see it's a lot more than just my journey--it is a journey about how my friends saw me through some of the toughest and most unexpected times. It is also about how they saved me. 

So when a friend travels to see me or gives me a call or does anything out of the ordinary to connect, I want to be there - even in a pandemic - in whatever way possible. Knowing there may be limitations isn't going to stop me any more. I'm just going to figure out my workarounds. 

Because friends can break our hearts - but also mend them And when they call, I want to answer that call. Which means presence--and gratitude.

******

Crooked Lines: A Single Mom's Jewish Journey will be published by Koehler Books on August 30, 2022.

Friendship photo: Ahsan Saeed

Beats, the Dead and My Favorite Holiday

When people ask me about my favorite holiday, I'm not sure exactly, because it's one I never celebrated.  I can put a name to it, though. Day of the Dead, known in Mexico as Dia de los Muertos. I first discovered it on my honeymoon in New Orleans, when stores were filling up with sculptures, toys and costumes in celebration of this holiday.

Looking at everything around me, I felt connected to all of it, though not in a religious way. It was really more of an artistic connection,  and definitely a strong one. My husband and I looked for something to take home with us and landed on a skeleton couple dressed as a bride and groom.

Day of the Dead began thousands of years ago (according to my research) and is the result of Aztec rituals intertwined with celebrations in medieval Spain and the Roman Catholic Church, which celebrates All Saints Day on November 1 and All Souls Day on November 2.

Skeletons and skulls are seen throughout Mexico on Dia de los Muertos during this holiday season. November 1, the spirits of little children are invited into people's homes and adults the day after. People honor the memory of loved ones with altars that have favorite drinks and food of the deceased, pictures, clothing, toys, incense and more. Marigolds are scattered from cemeteries to people's homes to help the dead find their way home.

I don't know why, but it feels like there is much in the holiday that Beat Generation characters in my books would have loved. The word "Beat" as applied to the Beat Generation in the 1990s was partially connected to feeling "beaten" by society -- and what's more Beat than Dead?

I don't know if I would really want the spirits of my family to visit every year, but the idea of being visited is what captivates me. I don't celebrate the holiday, though, because it isn't something I grew up with and celebrating it would make me feel like I was intruding on others' rituals.

At the same time, I love that people are observing this day. I love my little skeleton bride and groom and would like to find one or two more (or maybe a costume). That's about as far as I'll go, but if I ever get the chance to visit a Mexican cemetery on Dias de los Muertos, I'm going to take it. That I can promise you.


Day of the Dead photo: Sheltie Boy

Hipster Christmas

Realizing my blog day falls on Christmas, and that I started the blog as an author of a book about the Beat Generation, the last thing I should be writing about is Christmas traditions--don't you think? No Rockefeller Center stories, big goose or turkey stories, posts about the Christmas spirit (or Spirits) or Hanukkah or other holiday traditions in the old-school way.

That doesn't mean I don't believe in celebrating--in fact I'll take any chance to celebrate anything--but my character Ruby and her friends are not exactly traditional people. So if they did want to do Christmas, it would have to be more off center and definitely hipster style.

If I have to imagine a Beat Generation Christmas, it would be going out to hear jazz or a poetry reading or gathering with friends to create jazz and read poems (some written by Ruby, of course).

No big dinners, but my menu of hipster snacks might include chips and salsa, cold gazpacho soup, crackers with olive tapenade, raisins and almonds with dark-chocolate chips, black teas, Irish coffees, incense instead of mistletoe (though maybe they'd have mistletoe), beer, burgundy and cognac--but no egg nog, please.

No Christmas carols, but songs, definitely, yes, and they'd have to be much jazzier than the typical songs we mostly hear. My list has old songs for Ruby's 1950s life, but not all the recordings are made in the 1950s. I listed them here with my favorite performers for each song and gave you one each for the 12 days of Christmas.

Boogie Woogie Santa Claus - Mabel Scott
Cool Yule - Louis Armstrong
Dig That Crazy Santa Claus - Oscar McLollie & His Honey Jumpers
Five Pound Box of Money - Pearl Bailey
Good Morning Blues (I Want to See Santa Claus) - Count Basie
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Judy Garland
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Amy Winehouse
Merry Christmas, Baby - Lionel Hampton
Santa Baby - Eartha Kitt
Santa Done Got Hip - the Marquees
Sugar Rum Cherry - Duke Ellington
What Will Santa Claus Say (When He Finds Everybody Swingin') - Louis Prima

Download some of these for your Christmas - and let me know your favorites, too?

Hipster Santa: Thunderchild7

Jazz Christmas photo: Roberto Cacho Toca

Party Girl Not

I had a mother who loved to entertain. If she and my dad didn't go out to someone else's house for dinner on a Saturday evening, she would host one at our place. She loved cooking and baking and setting a table, and she really loved how everyone raved about her food.

I missed getting this gene. 

I've always loved going to a certain kind of party -- something with good friends who love being together and who are comfortable enough to be creative about creativity. One of my dearest friends used to have parties where we'd end up singing around a piano while her husband played it, like in an old-fashioned movie. Or we'd play the dumbest charades or do a reading of The Christmas Carol at holiday time.

Those readings were conducted at my friend Vay's place, which was under a gypsy fortuneteller's shop in New York City. I don't think anyone in the world could have attended anything at Vay's place without falling in love with it--and with her and the gypsy-actor-storytellers-singers who wandered through.

These days, I've had precious few parties, mostly because of time, and because generally I am petrified of cooking for people. A few years ago I read a spectacular book by Amy Sedaris about hospitality which manages to be both funny and true. I resolved to have more people over and failed miserably. (My husband, wonderful as he is, happens to be a lone wolf type, which doesn't encourage either one of us to open our doors to partiers).

That's not to say I haven't hosted a few gatherings -- though likely I could count them on both hands in the past few years. I'm still reading the book, though - but have to say it is for adults, and wouldn't be something you'd share with your children.

Which brings me to bringing up kids, and birthday parties, and teaching them to be social. (Especially if they're not old enough for Amy's book yet). We hosted our son's parties in other venues, except for the first one -- which was kind of a monster-themed party in the back yard, and one of my favorites. I hired an actor to play Dracula, though he looked like a fresh-faced choir boy from prep school, he tried his best to sound dark and told the children a Dracula story in the basement. No one got scared, which was a good thing.

In looking back on this period, I've decided children's birthday parties are in fact little lessons in hospitality and how to celebrate life with friends. For that reason, they're a lot more important than they seem. You don't need a lot of money to have a good one (and sometimes when parents spend too much, parties can turn about abysmally).

What Amy says (among many things) that I love is that a party is a chance to share a little of who you are with a group of people you like (or in some cases, love). She also says if you're not into cooking, order stuff or pick it up at your favorite deli (another reason to read her slavishly).

So if your child likes swimming, or rock climbing or reading or cooking or being a drama queen or king, it's important to let them set the tone for the day and choose everything around it whenever possible--food, decorations, activities, and whatever else is going on. Again, this can turn out to be how you decorate the back yard, so don't feel you have to pay tons of money to rent venues. In fact, DON'T do that at all.

Because in the end, I think parties are supposed to be about connections you make with friends and family--and how you want to show up for them. The best ones allow us to get closer to people and share a little more about who we are while we're on this planet.

I hope at least some of my son's birthday parties did that for him. I know the parties I've been to have done that for me. And (can I have a five year plan)??? --in the next three to five years, I hope to open up my doors again for more parties of my own.

And if you haven't read Amy's book yet, you need to ASAP - whether or not you want to have a party:

I Like You: Hospitality under the Influence

Birthday photo: Prince Roy

Holiday Hop Giveaway Brings Ruby to Your Doorstep

Hello, and welcome to the Beat Street blog!

In advance of the holiday I’m giving away ONE signed paperback of my middle-grade novel The Beat on Ruby’sStreet to ONE special winner! The prize is for residents of the U.S. only, but… I’ve got a few e-books if someone outside the U.S. should win. The prize is available until 10 p.m. on December 24.

What do you have to do to win? Just enter by FOLLOWING me here on Facebook and following my author page: http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B00CQBNSJQ

Quick summary of the story you'll find in The Beat on Ruby's Street:

The last thing eleven-year-old Ruby Tabeata expected to happen on her way to a Jack Kerouac reading was to be hauled to the police station.

It’s 1958 and Ruby is the opposite of a 1950s stereotype: fierce, funny and strong willed, she is only just starting to chart her course in a family of Beat Generation artists in Greenwich Village. Ruby dreams of meeting famous poets while becoming one herself; instead, she’s accused of trying to steal fruit from a local vendor and is forced to live in a children’s home. As Ruby struggles to return to family and friends, she learns her only choice is to follow her heart. 

Join Ruby’s journey as she finds unexpected friendships, the courage to rebel against unjust authority and the healing power of art.

 Because The Beat on Ruby’s Street is about a young girl growing up during the Beat Generation in 1958, and Beats didn’t like materialism, I thought I’d ask for your comments about GIFTS. After you enter to win, please feel free to share the best gift you ever received that didn’t cost anything… I’d love to know!

Thanks again for stopping by, and if you’re new to the Holiday Book Hop you may want to visit the event page and hop to all of the 190 authors giving out prizes. Not to mention one lucky winner will win free ebooks for life! Happy Holidays!

For more information on the Holiday Book Hop, check out  https://www.facebook.com/events/1635874663353142/

Graphic Designs: Pamela Gillis Labbe

Cover Art: Gwen Gades

Hard but You Can Do It: Co-Parenting on the Holidays

“It is a truth universally acknowledged,” Jane Austen wrote, “that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”

Except nobody expects that wife to walk out the door three years later, or a husband to call it quits after twenty years, and then have to work out custody issues or holiday time or God knows what else.

But divorce they do, and by they I mean many of us, and at that point we have to figure out how to make the relationship work well enough so that it works best for our children.

And by “we” I mean me. And you.

As a one-time single divorced mother, I went through my share of ups and downs. Those downs can be pretty tough at holiday time, which is why I went searching for resources online before I wrote this post, and found VProud TV’s Guide to Coparenting During the Holidays.

If you are a divorced parent and are looking for a kind but no-nonsense friend to get you through the holiday-parenting blues, VProud is your ticket: real people sharing real experiences and ideas to make divorce easier on you and your child.

When narrator Karen Cahn admitted that the first year “sucks,” I couldn’t help but laugh. My former spouse and I fought like children sometimes—over the most childish things. Fortunately, we were usually able to laugh after cooling off for a few days and compromise—which is exactly what the people in this co-parenting video hope all of us will do.

"Your goal should always be that the happiness and well being of your kids comes first, no matter what,” Cahn says. “Your kids just want their parents to get along and for there to be good vibes…so make that your goal. It's hard as hell but you can do it. Be Bruce and Demi."

You may not be able to laugh about much of anything with your ex—or even have the luxury of cooling off when you’re trying to work out where and with whom your child should spend the holidays. That’s why the VProud tips are so helpful and why I loved seeing parents chime in with ideas that worked for them:

·     You are the adult: don’t make your kid make decisions about who to spend time with on the holidays

Don’t worry about the date because the time you spend together is more important than any actual day

Take advantage of alone time (which can be really fun to figure out)

Be open to transforming traditions (like teaching your Christian cousins how to play dreidel after a Christmas dinner if your family is Jewish)

Something else that hit home for me came from Shannan Younger, who said, "Coparenting is like raising children. Just when you think you have it figured out, it changes. Be flexible and most of all, put your kid first."

I was also struck by Cahn’s comment that “you’re divorcing yourself from your own anger and bitterness.” That is, perhaps, the hardest but most crucial part of every divorced parent’s journey, because if you don’t do it, you can’t move on; you can’t give your kids what they need and you most certainly can’t give much of anything to yourself.

So whether or not you anticipated getting divorced, if you are now and you’re facing the holidays alone, I would encourage you to check out VProud’s video. I would also encourage you to write about your feelings, either disguised as fiction (as I did in The Beat on Ruby’s Street) or in your own journal.

Most importantly I would encourage you to believe that, as Cahn promises, the pain of a new divorce will get better and better times are coming, even on this very first holiday, if you and your spouse are able to put your child’s needs first. If nothing else comforts you, at least listening to other parents who had similar experiences will show you that you’re not alone.

Because all of us parents who went before are standing with you, and we believe in you. And in your kids.

Parent Photo Montage: Courtesy of VProud TV

Young girl: Christina Welsh