What I Learned about Coparenting at Holiday Time

 

As chocolate mini-eggs and matzahs begin showing up in grocery stores and signs of spring (slowly) start to manifest themselves, we know Passover and Easter are coming soon. For parents, that means enjoying celebrations with our kids. For divorced parents, it's also time to celebrate--and figure out how to share that celebration with co-parents who no longer live with us.

While I always admired divorced parents who were able to celebrate holidays with their kids together, that wasn't my lot for a long, long time. Instead, I had to work with my son's father to figure out where he'd go on which holiday. It wasn't always easy, which is why I started writing Crooked Lines: A Single Mom's Jewish Journey.

What I learned is that every year is different--with a different set of circumstances. One year, your kid might have a huge paper due over spring break or Christmas. That might mean it's better to spend more time with you, if writing is your specialty (ahem!) Another year, your child's paternal grandparents may be visiting from Alabama and he or she would like to spend more time with them.

The key, in my view? Be flexible. The best-laid plans won't do anyone any good if they don't work for your child. Other thoughts on making holidays work for your child and family:

1. Set up a time to discuss how to handle each holiday without your child being present. Use email, phone, or talk in person if that works for you.

2. Don't make holiday time a competition between you. The ideal solution is to give your child equal time with both of you as much as possible. That may mean spending Christmas week with you one year and New Year's week with a former spouse. Or it may mean Christmas Eve and your house and Christmas Day at the other parent's. If you're trying to divide a holiday like Passover, that's pretty easy: the first Passover seder is at one parent's house, and the second is at the other parent's house.

3. Explain to your child or children that you and the other parent are celebrating the holidays with them on different days, but make sure they know they will be seeing both parents. If a child is upset with the decision, don't ignore them. Instead, talk to them about what they want and why, and see if there are any possibilities for the future that will take the child's preferences into account.

4. Remember this is a trial and error thing. It's OK to make mistakes--and even better if you can correct them.

What if you can't come to an agreement with your former partner? If you worked with a mediator before divorcing, you might try calling that mediator to provide a suggestion or two. You might also try giving in to a request from the other parent now, with the condition that you can switch gears for the next holiday.

Whatever you do, don't give up trying to communicate with your former husband or wife. Your child's happiness is the priority--and that happiness depends on you both. For more information on how to coparent during holidays, I found the articles below:

Coparenting and the Holidays: Tips for Divorced Parents

Coparenting During the Holidays

Tips on Holiday Coparenting When Divorced or Separated

Photo by Suzi Kim on Unsplash

First Prize, Earn Prize and In-Between: Competition and Kids

When my son was about four, every kid in the 5K race where I worked got a first prize, which seemed cute but worrisome to me. If we want our kids to earn what they get, and we tell them they all won first prize when clearly they didn't, what exactly are we telling them?

Trying to say this at the time was not a good idea, and didn't get me anywhere. I do remember the day my son actually won a race, when the other boys in said race were making fun of him for being slow.

It was a hot, hot, hot day and a small race with a small neighborhood track team. After half a day of half-hearted running, my son suddenly decided he'd had enough of the other kids' teasing. He gathered whatever was left of his strength and pushed through the heat, like a small racehorse gaining on the other boys and then jumping over the finish line.

I couldn't help being really proud of him then. And I could see what it meant to him to win.

I am not someone who loves competition--and there are often days I want to see everyone winning that first prize. But there are others when I want to stand out, not for being special, but for the work I do or try to do and the work I hope to pass on.

So when a play is produced or a book is published or I win an award or a grant, I want to celebrate, just a little. Not to take anything away from anyone else's work, but to acknowledge I earned the right to be recognized for mine.

And when your kid earns a prize or a award or recognition for whatever he/she does, I think it's OK to applaud and jump up and down screaming!

Just like they'd do for you.

Articles on this:

Why Competition is Good for Kids (and How to Keep it That Way)

Pros and Cons of Competition Among Kids and Teens

6 Ways to Encourage Healthy Competition in Kids

Kid's Race Photo:  MoBikeFed

September, Quickly

No matter what I say or do, September always catches me by surprise. Suddenly, schools are opening their doors (and hopefully this year will be better and safer than the last two). Nights turn cooler and people start thinking about Halloween.

What changes summer to fall quickest, in my view are fall foods -- starting with the local State Fair (which I missed this year). When did faux-fall flavors like Pumpkin Spice teas and coffees, butternut squash soup and my long-time favorite carrot cake start showing up everywhere? You can't walk outside right now without bumping into them.

What IS it about the fall and food? I think it must be some sort of compensation for summer's ending, trading longer nights and less daylight for comfort foods. 

Truth is, I'm not all that happy about this arrangement. I'd rather be out walking or talking or driving around than inside, watching it get dark. I also don't want to start thinking about the "S" word and I don't mean September.

Because October is right behind September - and October is buddies with November. Of course, November's practically married to December, with January and February their freezing offspring. THAT'S where the need for comfort food REALLY kicks in.

After trying to make July and August last (and being completely unsuccessful) I pretty much give up on September. I know if I just turn my head, very slightly, to the left, whoosh! It'll be gone.

I think I really need to find some comfort that's NOT related to food this month. My neighbors bought a really cool fire pit that intrigued me enough to want one. Stopping by there or inviting people to our yard seems like a possible way to stave off cold and boredom. Maybe that's worth trying? 

The other idea is planning a getaway. Not easy these days, but if I can manage a more-or-less secluded B-n-B in February in 75 or 80 degrees, I'm going for it. 

And while I'm planning, I surrender. Bring on the Pumpkin Spice.

Pumpkin spice latte:  Joy

Cartoon World

I haven't watched cartoons in a very long time, though my husband still does on Sunday mornings. He says it takes him to another world where (as one character says in The Twilight Zone movie) "anything can happen."

My son used to love watching cartoons on weekend mornings, and though I remember getting up with him I don't remember the cartoons themselves. As he got older we watched a few together--The Simpsons, Family Guy and the PBS cartoons like The Magic School Bus.

Otherwise, beyond my own childhood, I was never really a cartoon person. 

I've heard a lot about BoJack Horseman and want to watch that one day, but haven't got around to it. One of my favorite movies for a long time was Roger Rabbit--though I don't know how to categorize that, exactly. I loved The Corpse Bride too.

While the names of cartoons have changed, I think the ones aimed at kids pretty much follow the same pattern. Like my husband says, anything can happen. A set of dishes can begin to sing; dinosaurs and astronauts can live in the same spaceship; a thin, small man can eat a can of spinach and become the strongest man in the world, and mice can outsmart cats every time. And when Alice falls down the rabbit hole and has a thousand surreal adventures, we know somehow, some way, she will come back to her life and family.

Mostly, the good guys win in cartoons, which is another reason I think we like them. With our grownup lives so precarious and unreliable, I think we are looking for both the stability and magic cartoons offer. I probably get some of that in the horror movies I watch (almost weekly). My husband doesn't understand how I can watch some of them--and I tend to feel that way about his cartoons. But someone's figured out how to cater to both our needs--and the needs of most of us--through these very particular kinds of storytelling.

Do you or your kids have a favorite cartoon? Do you get up with them to watch on weekend mornings? Do you disagree over what to watch and if so, who wins? Are there cartoons you won't let your kids watch, and if so, why? (I didn't like the Power Rangers and as I remember, we didn't watch that one).

Whatever you think of cartoons, I hope you find the ones you like best--and most of all, once you find them, that you share them with your kids. For more on cartoons, try these articles:

What Cartoons Can Teach Our Kids

Best Cartoons for Kids to Watch Now (2020)

9 Best Educational Cartoons for Toddlers

Child watching cartoons photo: Tazrian Khan

21 Ingredients

During the past year I've been eating a lot of junk--like a lot of other people I know--because of quarantining at home and the D word (depression). I'm starting to climb back out of that hole and it isn't easy, but I do at least notice when I eat ingredients I can pronounce I'm more alert, I sleep better, I don't get foot cramps and I generally feel stronger, too.

I say this as someone who came down with a psoriasis-like illness in 2018. I take meds to control it and have read at least three books about nutrition. At first I didn't want to deal with any changes to my diet--full of sugar and diet soda--but eventually decided there was too much at stake not to try.

A lot of autoimmune diets (which I call the autoimmune police) are too draconian for me, but a functional medicine doctor I saw recommended The Wahls Protocol to Treat All Chronic Immune Conditions with Paleo Principles by M. D. Terry Wahls. Admittedly, I messed up the past year and am now trying to get back to it, but Wahls's plan is at least something I can follow without feeling deprived. I'm NOT telling anyone else to follow it--but I have my own reasons for liking it, and that's what I want to share.

What I like best is that it's not about dieting to lose weight; it's about getting clear of chronic illnesses that debilitate you and steal your life. And it's made me think about how I grew up and how my family has been eating--which has not been good.

My mother was a spectacular cook and we always had fresh fruit and salad, which was great. Unfortunately we also had boxed and processed foods with every sort of additive and diet soda throughout my childhood. I don't blame my mother at all for any of this. The food industry is exceptionally adept at selling us toxic substances--the most obvious one being sugar.

We all know how toxic sugar is--and yet somehow it's in everything we eat. I keep wondering why there aren't more treats made with honey or agave--which may not be great but are at least less toxic than sugar--and think the only reason is that sugar lobbyists must be lobbying endlessly. Because finding something made with honey instead of sugar can take years, if not months of your time.

I'm not saying (and would never say) you should try any specific diet if you have a chronic illness. But overall, I think if we can eat ingredients we can pronounce and limit sugar, we and our kids will be healthier. If I'd never had diet soda and drank water instead, I believe I'd be a lot healthier now. If I ate a lot less junk and the cookies or ice cream treats I had growing up were made with maple syrup or honey, I believe I wouldn't be battling with acid reflux now, either.

I'm also saying I hate how the food industry markets junk to kids and by extension to us, our parents. I bought Pop Tarts and other awful stuff because my son demanded it loudly and I gave in. He got into weight lifting as a teenager and his coaches helped him change his diet--thank God. But as a parent, I did little or nothing to insist on good nutrition at home, and I feel really bad about that.

I understand I was overwhelmed by work and life a lot of the time and didn't pay attention to what I or anyone else in our family (of two guys) to insist on better eating habits. I look at labels all the time now and am appalled at the ingredients of almost everything I see.

A friend once told me there are 21 ingredients in an Oreo cookie that are put there just to make you want another one. I have no doubt what she said is the truth.

I grew up being manipulated to eat sugar from day one, and the older I get, the higher the price tag gets in terms of the quality of life I get. But eating well isn't easy because the world conspires against it.

WHY is it so hard to find good food, even for your cat? WHY is it so expensive? I need a whole other post to try and figure that out--but today's takeaway is just that we need to eat food with ingredients we can pronounce--and dial down the sugar.

Easier said than done, I know--so the earlier you can start with kids, the better. We also need to keep encouraging ourselves and finding healthy ways to reward ourselves when we eat better.  I'm not trying to sound preachy here. I mainly want to encourage you so I can encourage myself.

That's why I found some eating ideas to share with you. I hope they give you some ideas and most of all, encouragement:

8 Things that can Happen to your Body when You Cut Out Sugar

Foods that Fight Inflammation

Stress, Food and Inflammation: Psychoneuroimmunology and Nutrition at the Cutting Edge

Healthy plate photo: Ella Olsson

Birthday Bakery Wishes

When I was little I remember getting called "carrot top." It was sometimes meant in a good way, sometimes not, but the things people say if you have red hair can be pretty silly overall. 

I've heard that strawberry ice cream must be my favorite -- even had guys buying me strawberry flavored treats and gum because they thought I'd like it. 

The answer, btw, is NO thanks, I much prefer mocha, coffee and chocolate flavors for my treats.

The other thing people were sure about  was that I must love carrots. Sure, I eat them but it's not something I'm craving everyday. 

Unless -- and there's an exception that proves every rule, yes? -- unless you're talking about carrot cake. 

How could you NOT love that? Sugar, icing, carrot slivers and cake. I'm in! And since I'm coming up on my birthday, naturally, carrot cake is all I can think of. Only I don't want to bake it for myself! And God knows I don't want my husband to bake it.

Leaving me to have to find a bakery that has some and our city bakery is SO crowded I don't want to go in there right now. So is there a small, unnoticed bakery somewhere with a killer carrot cake? Shall I ask my Facebook hive?

You know the answer, I'm sure.

The only thing I don't want is for you to think that I like it because I have red hair. I mean it's CARROT CAKE. Right?

And in a year when so much of what most of us want doesn't have a chance of happening, shouldn't we give ourselves the little things we want every once in a while?

You know the answer to that too.

Meanwhile, if you (or your child) likes carrot cake, I found a recipe that promises it's good and easy. If you make it, let me know if you like it? 

I'd also love to know your favorite birthday treat. If it has anything to do with hair color, I'd-- yeah. I'd really be surprised.


Carrot cake photo: Jeena Paradies

Straight Shoulders: Getting Better Posture for You and Your Kids

Our parents always told us to sit/stand up straight, right? And we didn't? And then we get older and start jobs and a lot of them are jobs where you sit all day, hunched over a desk or your computer. Then you come home and hunch over another computer, answering emails and playing games and jumping around on social media.

Then your back starts curving, and you lose height, and if you could see yourself standing up you'd run out of the room, screaming.

If you go to a gym to work out and work with a trainer, they spend a lot of time on your form, how you stand and hold yourself before you lift weights; how you place your knees on the ground before doing push ups. It's really about being present in your body when you move, or walk, or sit, stand, eat, lie down.

But what if you're not good at that?

I spent most of my life being what people tend to call a "dreamer." Most of the time I'm thinking about play or book ideas or writing them or doing writing work for people who hire me. I don't feel myself when I'm hunched over, writing. I feel what I'm writing about.

Unfortunately, that hasn't been great for me. Sitting is the new smoking, and if you don't want your bones to get brittle and be terrified of falling at the first sign of snow, well. You know you have to stand up straight and walk more. I try to leave my desk and walk outside or jump on the treadmill for 10 or 15 minutes daily, 30 or 40 minutes if I have the time (or an hour if I can.) My doctor says I can watch whatever trash TV I want as long as I'm on my stationery bike, which is extremely motivating.

But the truth is I don't do enough exercise, and my body is suffering because of it.

I don't usually (or ever) watch models walking down the runway anywhere, but when I've glanced at them in a magazine or TV, they are walking in such wonderful ways! They have a real intentionality about walking that makes me wish I could be that way.

I don't mean I want to be a model; but I DO think it's a matter of carriage. How you carry yourself through the world can have a lot of influence over people's perceptions of you. Even if they're not true, you can look confident and comfortable with yourself.

Whether I am or not, I want to look that way. And I'm hoping that by looking that way, I can feel that way too (eventually).

I'm thinking out loud here, as I often do in these blogs. But yes, posture, form, standing up straight, all that stuff our parents told us that we ignored. Should we be listening to them? And what should we tell our own kids? How do we get them to be mindful of their bodies?

YES, I say, standing as tall as I possibly can without slumping. I'm so sorry, mom, for tuning you out on that. The exercise experts I know say it's never too late to start and you really can build up strength and balance.

I just have to spend more time away from the computer, right?

And how, exactly, am I supposed to do that?

(Sigh).

Ideas:

9 Tips for Better Posture

How to Teach Your Child Good Posture Habits

Workplace Ergonomics: How to Improve Your Posture at Work


Clasping Hands Photo: liz west

Hit With It

There are just some days, right? When you get hit by this or that, physical or psychological or mental. Health changes, insensitive doctors, financial problems... and get tired of fighting them all the time.

The last few months have thrown some messes my way and I've been busy trying to catch them. I think about the pre-Facebook and pre-Twitter days and how you mostly could talk in person with a friend or spouse or both and tell them what you were going through - and they could tell you.

Social media makes us all into pretenders sometimes - or more than sometimes, I think. So you get on and see everyone telling you they are happy, happy, happy. And it just isn't true, but it looks that way. So many of us feel even more isolated.

That's why the quote I found last night in the back of The Atlantic resonated with me - and why I think it might with you. There are just days when you're going to get hit with it, whatever that it may be. Reading this (I hope) will make you feel better, or at least less alone.

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and... it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done."
--from Rocky Balboa by Sylvester Stallone

That's what I have today. For some words on kids and resilience, try these articles:

Building Resilience in Children--20 Powerful, Practical Strategies

Resilience in Children: Strategies to Strengthen Your Kids

Resilience - Center on the Developing Child at Harvard Uuniversity




Boxing boy: foundin_a_attic

Neat Kids: Do They Exist?

How long did it take you to get your child to pick up his or her toys and clothes? I can honestly say I don't know, because I don't remember my son ever doing it--with toys, at least. When he got older, he started cleaning up his room if he knew guests were coming, especially guests he liked.

Books and articles always make it sound as though you have infinite time and patience, which the writers are paid to ha, whatever--patience and time are at a premium, baby.

I remember a play date with a friend and she said her daughter had to pick up all the toys she played with afterwards, meaning my son did too. This ought to be good, I thought, but luckily when my friend's daughter started putting away toys, my son did too, in sympathy. Maybe he thought it was a new game?

He never did want to play that game at home, and though he had numerous wonderful qualities, being neat was never one of them. We also ended up cleaning his salamander's cage for the entire existence of this pet and socks were to be found in every corner of our home. I sometimes thought of them as some sort of abstract art--though none were even close to suitable for museum displays.

In junior high, I began to apprehend a real philosophy around the idea of cleaning up versus letting things lie. Before my son went to college, he got a questionnaire designed to come up with a roommate assignment. His response to the question about neatness involved waiting until the end of the each week to clean up.

I was pleased he at least included the words "clean up" in his response.

Are some people naturally neat and others, not so much? Are we just who we are, without any real ability to be taught or changed? I used to think nurture was a lot more important than nature, but after having been a mom for a while, I am coming round to the other point of view. I have been told by other parents that some of their kids are just better at being neat than others.

What happens to those others in terms of relationships, marriages, and their own children? I'm about to find out, I think, though I haven't ventured to ask, but he says he's happy and... that's good enough for me.

Meanwhile, if you have any real parenting tips about getting your kids to pick up after themselves, don't hesitate to share them here! I promise--I'm all ears.

For a few articles by the infinitely patient/perfect writers referred to above (do they even really exist)? try the list below:

How to Get Your Kids to Clean Up After Themselves
8 Ways to Get Your Kids to Start Cleaning Up After Themselves
3 Tricks for Getting Your Children to Clean Up After Themselves

I know. *Sigh*

Whatever.


Wild Things creature: Nadya Peek

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No Surprises

I was at a stoplight this week, waiting for the light to change, when BUMP! Someone rear ended me. The driver's companion got out after a few minutes, and he followed.

It turned out the driver didn't have insurance, and his companion asked me not to report anything because she'd already had a bad morning. Poor thing!

The couple asked if I wanted to pull over and talk, which I agreed to; but by the time I reached the parking lot, they'd gone. I hadn't gotten out of my car to get their license plates, so... here I am, without much recourse except to report the accident to my own insurance company and watch my rates go up.

I'm not bringing this up to whine, I promise. I'm bringing it up to talk about surprises, and how we handle them. More importantly, I'm interested in how we teach our kids to handle them. These days, I tend to feel a lot like the Radiohead Song, "No Surprises" -- because I've gotten more negative surprises than I wanted. Or at least, there are days it feels that way.

So, no thank you, accidents, no thank you illness, no thank you, deaths of good friends or family, no thank you, floods or divorces or burglaries. If you want to surprise me with flowers or something like that, by all means. But what do we tell our kids about the stuff nobody wants?

I'm not sure I did a good job of preparing my son for adversity; and like all of us, he has his share. Some people say the best you can do is model behavior when the bad surprises strike, to give your kid an example of how to handle things. That makes sense to me.

I remember being terrified as an eight year old when my sweater caught on a slide and I was stuck and started choking. Luckily my friend Carole climbed up behind me and broke the sweater's button to get me loose.

Carole was angry with me for getting stuck, but when I told her how amazing she was and that she saved my life, she calmed down and changed her mind. We both decided she was pretty terrific, and then forgot the whole thing. Or maybe we just pretended we did, which was okay too.

But yeah, there's going to be illness and accidents, bullies, breakups and tragedies. You can tell your kid life is like that, but until something happens, will they really understand? Maybe you can give them coping strategies when they're sad, like drawing, baking, writing stories or playing guitar.

You can also teach them to try and help people whenever possible (while telling them to be careful of strangers--this isn't easy, is it)? If I could tell a child anything, I'd say the one thing I regret - really -- is not being kinder when I could have been.

What that has to do with bad surprises, I don't know. I guess it's something we can control, instead of the surprises we can't. Maybe it holds a clue to how we interpret all the bad stuff. Because the surprises, good and bad, will always come. And the best way to handle them may be to share them, I think -- by helping each other through.

Here's a few thoughts I found from others on the web:

When Bad Things Happen
5 Tips on Talking to Kids About Scary News
How to Talk to Children About Difficult News

Girl: Alvaro


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Morticia's Girl

Before the movies and TV show, there was an Addams family lurking out in the wider world, just waiting to captivate us. Their inventor was a man named Charles Addams (1912 – 1988) who created the Addmas family with a single cartoon in 1938, published in The New Yorker. He didn’t know it then, but that one cartoon (featuring Morticia, Lurch and the Thing) was going to grow into an empire—and inspire not only films and TV, but God knows how many people who loved his macabre sense of humor.

I don’t know where I was when I first found the cartoons. I remember liking the TV show, but not knowing much about what it was based on. Then someone (at a party? Dentist office? Friend’s house)? –showed me a book of cartoons, centered around a cadaver-like woman who seemed deliciously dark and witty. I fell in love.

Addams said he named his female character Morticia after a phone book listing for morticians. The cartoon I most remember showed her and her short, squat husband in a classic haunted house on a rainy day. She was saying something about loving the gloom, which gave my young-girl self permission to enjoy a less-than-wholesome view of the suburban world I was growing up in.

Bravo, Morticia. She was, in fact, another inspiration for my Ruby girl in the Beat on Ruby’s Street. Morticia wore tight, dark dresses and her dark hair was loose and long. She didn’t seem to walk so much as to slink around, and you never got the impression that she did much of anything in a hurry. She was a perfect heroine for generations of rebels – and her family was, too.

But there was a little more to the story, too. My friend Susan once told me how her father came down on her for always watching the Addams family on TV. (I'm not sure what else he wanted her to be doing -- chores, maybe?) 

In any case, Susan told me why she loved the show so much, and it had nothing to do with rebels or spooky stories. "They were like the family I always wanted, but never had," she explained, and I could see that; the Addams family did pretty much everything together, which most families hardly do any more. Plus they were kind to each other, and the parents genuinely seemed to be in love.

While I did enjoy the TV show and movies, I think my favorites will always be the original cartoons. Addams managed to make them both creepy and funny, which is in fact my favorite combination for just about any fiction or theater piece. Movies, too.

When my son was younger and saw the movies, he was as fascinated as I was. And while I wasn’t ready to share the scariest movies I liked, the Addams family seemed just fine – and in its own way, made for kids (aged 10 and up) as much as for adults. We found some Addams books in the local bookstore and brought them home—and they quickly became favorites at our house.

The latest book out there (The Addams Family:An Evilution, published in 2010) apparently has 50 cartoons that haven’t been published yet, so it looks like I’ll have to spring for that too. If you’re a Morticia & family Addams lover, you’ll probably want to check it out. And if you tend to like old houses, horror movies, black dresses and witty ladies, and suburbs, pink-ribboned pigtails and nicely trimmed lawns don't inspire you, this family is a perfect distraction. I promise.

Addamses: Clinton Steeds

Sharing Uncertainty with Kids: a Parent's Journey

I keep thinking there will be a day when I will look at my phone or the TV screen or drive home and put on the radio and tragedies will stop. Recently, it seems like every other day there is a terrorist event of some sort or another-- and I wince thinking of a parent talking with his or her kids about what we're hearing and seeing in the news.

Yes, life is precarious-- and we tend to forget that in our day to day lives, especially if we have good jobs and mostly safe neighborhoods, which is a great privilege, whether or not we realize it. Explaining tragedy and terrorism to kids though doesn't start (or end) with a grief counselor. And grief and fear have a way of growing the older we get, whether we want them to or not.

This is a really huge chunk of stuff to get our arms around and to tell the truth, I don't feel equipped for it. One thing I have been thinking of in these uncertain times is how to live with uncertainty, which we all do every day, and every moment. Maybe that's the place to start?

The only way to live uncertainly, I think, is to be alert to the moment and aware of our lives in every breath and step we take. Tall order, especially for someone who likes to imagine other worlds and scenes in her head most of the time. (aka Writer's Disease).

But trying to stay in the present may help us live with uncertain futures better than we would if we were trying to anticipate the future (as if anyone could). That doesn't mean we can't try to prepare, say, by having an emergency stash of water or staying away from texting while we drive or not getting drunk with a guy we don't know well in the back seat of someone's car.

But we also need to take in the moments, and stay in them, because without them life is even more uncertain. Maybe that's how we talk to our kids about what's around the bend--and how to be brave in accepting that we aren't able to see down the road too far in advance--and maybe wouldn't want to, even if we could.

Littlescreamer: Greg westfall

Mandela and the Dead Sea Salts: a Payback Story

I was on my way out of town, way out of town, because our family was moving out of the city. It was a bittersweet move for me and I was having trouble envisioning myself outside of New York. I had just gotten on an almost deserted subway car and was alone with my thoughts.

Almost.

In a split second, a young man jumped out of the shadows, grabbed the canvas bag strap hanging over my knee and ran into the next car. I did not give chase.

Luckily, he did not grab my purse, which I was holding onto tightly (because you don't grow up in NYC without knowing something). I had to laugh a little to myself to think about what my thief would find when he opened the canvas bag.

Dead Sea salts and a magazine with a cover article about Nelson Mandela.

Over the years, I've experienced burglaries more than robberies (where someone actually steals something off you personally) and of course it's never been good. It also seems to be a fact of life for most of us.

Though we tell our kids stealing is wrong and never to steal, somehow there's always someone who didn't get the memo--and then you have to figure out how to talk to your kids in a way that helps them deal with stuff like this.

When my son was twelve, he had cash stolen out of his locker and I had to tell him to be very careful with his money (and leave it at home, where he could keep it safe). It was one of those life lessons you hate seeing someone learn, though - because we mostly never catch the petty thieves who steal so much more than material things when they steal from us. I suspect that is part of what they want, though--to make us feel small and vulnerable, and to make themselves feel bigger.

That's why I told him about the thief who ripped my canvas bag away from me in New York, some years before he was born. It's my own little revenge story against all the jerks who stole big and small sums from me and people I love.

I remember telling a friend this story and laughing about how disappointed the guy must have been opening the bag. She said, "He actually had the whole world in his hands, if he only knew it. Dead Sea salts and Nelson Mandela."

"Yes," I said, agreeing with her. Because thieves don't usually get whatever they believe they'll find when they steal things. I'm betting they never get enough cash to make someone's bag really worth stealing, but the thrill of taking things makes up for that.

Which is why Nelson Mandela would have so much to teach them, knowing as he did how hard it is and how long you have to fight to get what you want. After which, I suppose, you could try taking a long bath in Dead Sea salts.

I hope that's what my subway thief did.


Dead sea salt photo: israeltourism

Funny Word Favorites

When my son was small and fussing, I found the best way to get him out of a mood was to make him laugh. Somehow or other I came up with the word "fluff-a-duffulated" when he climbed into bed and I pulled the covers up and "fluffed them" -- so that became a well-worn word in our home. I aslso discovered that saying it in a Bugs Bunny voice could earn me extra points.

As a writer, I love words -- made up or otherwise -- that describe feelings, whether they're funny, scary, angry or anything else. Today I've decided to share some of those words and tell you the stories behind them.

Because our family is one of mixed faiths, my husband gets a kick out of some of the Yiddish words I use and has also come to use them himself. When he's mixed up or confused or generally feeling exhausted, he says he's "verklempt" or "vermisht" -- which he heard me say in the early hears of our marriage before adopting.

My guy, on the other hand, taught me to say "Oof da," the equivalent of "Oy, vey" in Norwegian (or some Scandinavian language). His mother got me to fall in love with "kittywampus" when she talked about how she'd had a dangerous fall. I was really impressed with her humor in describing what had happened, and whenever i hear "kittywampus" now, I think of her bravery.

My friend John loves when I talk about my garden, which usually starts out "in a tangle" until I get things sorted out (or pay my friend Marlene, aka know as the Garden Goddess, to fix things up for me. John also likes it when I referred to my garage as a "sugar shack" before we spruced it up.

Another one of my favorite words is dunsicle, which I made up (or at least think I did) when writing a play based on The Little Princess for Steppingstone Theatre. It just seemed like the mean character Lavinia would call other students a dunsicle when she was annoyed. I still use it quite a bit, mostly when referring to myself when I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around something.

My favorite phrase for Ruby in The Beat on Ruby's Street is "kinds-sorta" but I really have to be careful not to overuse that one. In fact, I think you have to be careful about that with all the words you love, especially when writing stories. Because words are like food or wine, I think -- you don't want to repeat them so much that readers get sick of them.

I guess that's why I'm always on the lookout for new ones. If you want to share your favorites, I'd be so happy! Just send them over to jennazark.com.

Speak photo: alexisnyal

Why Presidential Museums #Fail

Before I start ranting away here, I need to tell you about a special Memorial Day sale here for The Beat on Ruby's Street, which just won the Gold Award from Wishing Shelf Awards last month. The e-book version is on sale for just 99 cents at the following sites between Saturday May 27 and Tuesday May 30.


You can find the 99 cent sale price at the following sites:

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

iTunes

Kobo

Now back to my "regular real" post (as Ruby would say) about presidential museums. I started thinking about them because of Memorial Day weekend and remembering all the people we lost in wars. 

I also started thinking about presidential museums after reading about John F. Kennedy's. It's not that I begrudge a president the right to memorialize or remember. 

And yet... and yet.

Do we really need an ever-increasing number of presidential museums, full of all the tiring paperwork and boring memorabilia we already know about? What do people find at a presidential museum anyway? Picture albums, trinkets, wedding rings, recordings, letters... STUFF, right? 

Do we really need more stuff, presidential or otherwise?

I have never once ached to see what's inside a president's museum. I did go to one of Lincoln's "summer" houses in Washington D.C. once, because my cousin (a native Washingtonian) recommended it; and my husband and I heard some interesting stories and had a good time.

But that was back in the day when presidents really were, um, interesting. And aside from seeing one for Lincoln and a few founding fathers, I'm really good, thank you, and in fact, more than fine if I never see any of museums for presidents. What I really wish they'd do instead is create museums (or maybe just websites?) for people who really built something or sacrificed their lives  for the rest of us, like our troops.

It would also be great to see people who create and created great architecture or art like the Brooklyn Bridge or the people who created all the theaters all over the country. Or a hundred other buildings, books, recipes, businesses and inventions that Americans bring into the world every day. Or a foundation to help people when their money runs out, for whatever reason. 

What if we took all the money we're putting into presidential museums right now and started foundations that offered grants and funding to medical research, libraries, hospitals, children's crisis centers, theaters? 

What if, instead of building a museum in his or her honor, a president said instead, "It's not about me. It's about them."

Meaning the people all over this country that he/she is supposed to be working for.

That would  be something, wouldn't it? Something we really need.


Graphic: Pamela Labbe
Mount Rushmore photo: loomingy1

Kids and Clothes: Who Decides?

Do you stand in front of your closet fitfully in the morning, trying to decide what to wear? If you decided the night before, do you change your mind once you see yourself in the mirror?

Not every day, but yes, I have done this and still do it. I was fortunate in some ways to have a son because his peers (if not him) were less interested in being supremely fashionable at every moment. Not meaning to be sexist here, but having been a girl in middle school, I remember some pretty awful times when my clothes (and I) were judged harshly.

Girls can be brutal about this sort of thing. On the other hand, my son had extremely strong opinions about what he should wear and what sort of hair cut he needed. At one point, he badgered me about getting tips of his dark hair frosted blonde, and after a month or so I consented. "It looked terrible. Why did you let me do that?" he asked recently, after looking at an old picture of himself.

"So you'd leave me alone," I replied. The truth is, I find dressing myself so exhausting, I have barely any brain space to dress anyone else.

Meanwhile, my son also tried an earring at one point,  due to the example of an older stepbrother at his father's house. My husband complained that he didn't like hearing his wife and son discussing earring choices. I can't really say I blame him, because I had hoped having a son would buy us tickets into a fashionista-free zone. No such luck.

On the other hand, I am still convinced a girl would have been worse--really much worse, based on my own experience. My middle-school peers had strict rules about where you were supposed to buy your clothes, and they were often far more expensive than I could afford.

In high school, I found ways around that by wearing jeans, and to be fair, my high school was a LOT cooler than my middle school by virtue of being a LOT more diverse. It gave me the basis for a different way of looking at things, and a window into the kind of Beat Generation community I created in The Beat on Ruby's Street.

Right now, though, I'm thinking about how we choose clothes for our kids. I learned to always bring my son with me to pick out whatever he needed, whether it was jeans, shorts, bathing suits or winter coats. If I didn't, I ended up bringing the clothes back because he refused to wear them. So unless you are part of a religious community where dress codes are prescribed, (and maybe then too?) I think it's a good idea to at least consult them about what they wear.

I'm not saying they have to have the final decision. If you feel uncomfortable with something your kid chooses, tell them. If they balk, ask them who pays for their clothes (and remind them it's you, if necessary.) If you and your spouse or ex-spouse don't agree, then you need to hash it out and ask your kid why he or she is making the choice to wear the outfit in question.

All in all, though, I think kids mostly figure out a middle-ground of dressing that isn't too extreme, but you need to give them some of your hard-earned wisdom and guidance (whether they're listening nor not). 

Because it IS our job as parents to make sure we're involved in their decisions. Otherwise, you're likely to wind up with an eleven year old who wears earrings and dyes his hair.

Oops. Well. At least his hair was never purple.

For more on this topic, I found these posts:

Teaching Kids to Dress Their Age

Don't Buy It Guide

Photo of kids with dyed hair: joey zanotti