Poet's Month

Did you know April is National Poetry Month? I had no idea when I started my Beat Street series with The Beat on Ruby's Street. 

In the book, Ruby is turning 12 on April 12 (her golden birthday). Her main ambition, though she doesn't quite know it yet, is to become a poet, and one of the things Ruby likes best is making up poetry.

Growing up in Greenwich Village, New York in the 1950s, Ruby is mostly aware of the Beat Generation poets around her, and that's the kind of poetry she tends to write. In order to write Ruby's poems, I had to read a lot of Beat poets, and then reimagine them so they were believably being written by an eleven-year-old on the cusp of turning twelve.

It was really one of the most fun assignments I'd ever given myself. 

"Sweet fleet beat of the street

Rising heat

From the white of the sidewalk

And the conga sound of the 

Bonga bonga bongos

BEAT BEAT BEAT

"Every spring

They sprout like toadstools 

In the key of heat."

In fact, I was remembering how people all over the streets in Brooklyn (where I used to live) pulled out their instruments (including congas) every spring and that's how you'd know winter was over.  I can't believe things would have changed all that much from Ruby's time in 1958. I think musicians need to play and the street acoustics can be so perfect when it gets warmer.

Writing Ruby's poetry has made me think about all sorts of poets through the ages and wanting to listen and quote more poetry, too. Yesterday I posted a photo of a goose standing on the edge of a lake around here and it made me think of Walt Whitman's poem:

"The untold want by life and land ne'er granted,

Now voyager sail thou forth to seek and find."

Just two lines that speak volumes about wanting more out of life than you ever received. Which makes it a perfect poem for Now, Voyager-- a spectacular Bette Davis film? (Do not ask me who she was, please. Just google her).

These are just two poems I wanted to celebrate in April. I'll try to think of a few more next week! Now it's your turn to send me some.

Middle School Memories I'd Love to Forget

 

I walked into my seventh grade class wearing glasses and a dress I do not remember. It felt like everyone was staring at me and I think most kids probably were because I was new and had come from another school. I may as well have come from the moon, for all the difference between them.

My elementary school between first and sixth grades was a yeshivah, a Jewish private school in Paterson, New Jersey. Half the day was devoted to Hebrew subjects; the other half to English, and by age nine I was fluent in Hebrew. The emphasis was much more religious, though of course we weren't angels; but we did learn to think seriously about the Big Stuff, whether it was about God, the whole Right/Wrong thing, laws and Torah Law and the Holocaust.

Seventh grade in Englewood Cliffs revolved around the clothes you wore, where you bought them, what boy liked you that week, what sports you could play well and that mystical state of popularity some kids achieve effortlessly and others not at all.

In other words, a kind of Hell for someone who came from a Yeshivah. Most of the girls in my class took special delight in tormenting the unpopular kids or nerds. I remember someone yelling at me because I didn't want to volunteer my mother to pick up pizza for a class party early in the morning.

What I couldn't explain was that my mother was depressed and getting her up early was a perilous gesture, doomed to fail. Instead, I hung my head and listened to her rant--and that lasted at least half an hour in the middle of class while the teacher was off somewhere.

One thing I did when I grew up was to invent a twelve year old (growing up in an earlier era in the 1950s) in the midst of the Beat Generation. Ruby TaBeata is an outsider in every way its possible to be. She hates going to school with all the conventional conformers around her--and I did too.

I thought of this today while reading about the show Pen15, which I haven't seen yet. I did love Glee for those same themes, though the outcasts could sing better than most pop stars. What's most interesting when I look back on seventh grade--the worst year of my school experience--is what a friend said about them.

"What happens to the kids who are super popular in junior high and high school?" she asked. "A lot of them stay there in their minds, trying to relive old times when somebody thought they were something."

I don't remember any popular kids who wound up doing anything amazing, which doesn't mean they didn't but-- you know? Maybe it (mostly) does.

Some reading about navigating middle school is here:

How to Bully-Proof Your Middle-School Daughter

How to Help Your Child Avoid Drama in Middle School

Why is Middle School So Hard for So Many People?

Middle-schoolers photo  USAG Humphreys

Tweens, Teens and Boundaries Online

 

Are your middle grade students on their phones as much as you are? (Are you pretending you're not on the phone?) What are they talking about? 

With email mostly a conduit for school or work, and Facebook/Twitter taken over by parents/grandparents etc., where are the 12-year-olds?

Most of us know about Tik Tok and Snapchat. There's also Houseparty, Omegle, Doublicat/REFACE and a lot more. If your son or daughter is using any of these (and there are many more) you may want to learn about them, too.

That doesn't mean you have to keep up with all the apps (which are changing quickly). It does mean knowing what the apps are, why kids are flocking to them and how they can affect the users can help your son or daughter have a better experience online. 

Whether your middle-grader/teen is texting, microblogging, livestreaming, chatting, meeting or dating on these sites, it's important to know more about where he/she is going online and what the sites are like. You have the right to set boundaries for your kids. You have the right to talk to them about staying safe online--and no one else is going to care about it as much as you do.

For example, a lot of apps are tailored to older teens and aren't appropriate for middle graders. Some are, but need a little direction from parents. There are some great books and articles that can help you, which is why I'm recommending them here.

For a strong overview of best practices and site samples (and no, Facebook and Twitter are not attracting teens and tweens), I recommend Most Popular Apps for Teenagers in 2021.

For a 2019 piece with great tips and insights: 18 Social Media Apps and Sites Kids are Using Right Now

My favorite book about how to help protect kids from online bullying and stay safe online is Kindness Wins by Galit Breen. No matter what your son or daughter is doing online, Breen knows how to help kids navigate any landmines that might be waiting for them.

If you want to share your experiences you've had as a parent of a tween or teen who is online--and what rules you have around it--please feel free to comment here--or write me at jennazark.com.

Scrolling Photo: Nenad Stojkovic

New Kid Blues

Does the thought of moving thrill or scare you? Both? My husband says our last move nearly killed us and he's right. Imagine moving as a kid and you can multiply that feeling by a thousand.

When I was twelve I had to change schools and it was one of the most traumatic things I ever did. I had been at my old school since I was six and now everyone stared when I entered the room and it was obvious I was a fish out of water.

We hadn't moved, but changing schools put me in the same position, and it was not a ride I welcomed. People were friendly at first and then one of the most popular girls wanted me to share answers with her on a math test. Little did she know how bad I was at math.

I ended up sharing answers with her, because I wanted her to like me very badly. We both ended up getting caught and having to dig our way out of things. That may or may not have been the start of her turning on me; middle school kids don't need a lot of reasons to be ugly. But not long after the math fiasco, this girl her friends decided I was their enemy. The year was pretty much a disaster. Everything I did or said was wrong, and I could barely go to school without cringing. 

The only good thing that happened was halfway through the year, the teacher left to have a baby and a new teacher arrived. She sought me out to tell me how much she loved my writing, which gave me a tiny ray of hope that one day I'd meet other people who felt the same way.

Eighth grade was somewhat easier as I got into a class with different kids who were no where near as venomous. And leaving school for ninth grade was one of the happiest days of my life. The high school I chose was diverse and much more interesting than the insulated middle school environment I was trapped in. I moved on and never looked back.

Now, though, I am trying to figure out if there was anything my parents could have done to make the transition to a new school easier. It was pretty much sink or swim when I was the "new kid" - and I can't help but wonder if things have changed.

Is there a way to make your kid feel better about a new school or neighborhood when your family moves? Can you give them advice that is more than a cliche about "being themselves?" Artists tend to be outsiders anyway. How do you square that?

In writing The Beat on Ruby's Street and Fool's Errand, I had to climb inside the mind of a twelve-year-old outsider. I think the main character Ruby is struggling with a lot of the same issues I did, plus a few more. She finds solace in art and so do I-- but there has to be a better way to help kinds through transitions like moving. 

Here's a few ideas I hope will help:

Moving: Helping Children Cope

How to Help Kids Cope with Moving

Helping your child when they are changing schools

New school photo: mrmeganzoe

Instead of that Donkey, Can We Try a Gazelle?

As a third grader, my high-school-age sister's courses always seemed more fascinating to me. When she showed me the political symbols of the donkey for Democrats and the elephant for Republicans, I was intrigued, but I don't remember at this point what she told me about them. With the election year upon us, I decided it was time to find out.

The donkey was actually chosen to represent the Democratic party in 1828 during the presidential campaign of Andrew Jackson. He was a popular war hero after winning battles in the War of 1812 and his campaign slogan was "Let the People Rule." Rivals called him a "jackass" and later used the donkey/jackass symbol to compare Jackson to a “stubborn ass.” Jackson didn't care and in fact, he ended up using the donkey as a campaign symbol.

The donkey-elephant symbolism solidified through the work of Harper’s Weekly cartoonist Thomas Nast. He used the donkey in 1870 to represent a group of antiwar Americans – and then used an elephant in a cartoon to tell Republicans that infighting would damage their election chances.

In November, 1874, he created a cartoon called Third Term Panic that cemented the symbols of the donkey and the elephant. During that year, Republican Ulysses S. Grant had already been president for two terms and was thinking of running again. 

In the cartoon, a donkey in a lion’s skin, called “Ceaserism” scares off other animals, including an elephant called “The Republican Vote.” From what I can tell, Nast was trying to make fun of the New York Herald, which was opposed to a third term for Grant.

Soon after Nast released his cartoon, other cartoonists started using elephants to symbolize Republicans, and still others used donkeys to symbolize Democrats. While comedians and cartoonists are still having fun with caricatures and elections, I don’t think anything has stuck nearly as well as the elephant and the donkey. I think the elephant is supposed to be a symbol of strength, and the donkey is still one of stubbornness.

I like that we have two symbols, but they seem so out of date to me now. I'm not sure what I'd choose for each side but I'd highly recommend animals that are more, I don't know, elastic? Jumpers, fliers, or animals that can rise out of the sea quickly and majestically. Gazelles come to mind, eagles, lions, foxes, maybe whales? I keep going back to the leapers, the gazelles and mountain goats. Because being nimble matters more now than being stubborn or physically strong - or it would, if I were in charge.

So if we did get rid of the donkey and elephant, what would you choose? Do you even agree we need  a new symbol animal for both parties? Can I really be the only one?

Gazelle photo: Ralf Steinberger

Why I Love Writing for Middle Schoolers

Thanksgiving brought Fool's Errand, book TWO of the Beat Street Series, into Amazon as a Kindle book and paperback. It is also on Kobo, but we are still waiting on Barnes and Noble's edition as well as iTunes.

Meanwhile, I wanted to write about middle schoolers, aka tweens today, because my books are written for them (and young adults AND adults too, of course). When I first started thinking about the story of a Beat Generation girl in 1958, I wasn't sure what age she should be.

My friend Susan, who worked at Scholastic, thought I should aim for ages 10 and up because "Once kids get to 10, their curiosity and creativity are astonishing." I agree. She also said there was less of a tendency to be into boyfriend-girlfriend stuff and more overall curiosity about the world. I agree with that, too.

While there is a very, very, early beginning to what could (or could not) be a boyfriend type relationship in Fool's Errand, it is not at all the focus of the book. It is much more centered on friendship (and the lengths you'd go to for a friend).

The friendships middle schoolers have with each other can be some of the most intense friendships we ever have, and I love that most of all. I don't mean cliques - because, yes, those can be fierce, and hurtful when you're not in one. I think that's why I made the lead character in the series such an outsider - to keep her away from cliques.

I also remember being an outsider myself in middle school, and at the end of the year, being visited by a classmate who I thought would never talk to me. She confessed she felt bad that I hadn't made many friends and then said she wanted very much to be friends with me.

We did get close, and the friendship lasted years until we drifted apart because we went to different high schools. But that one friendship taught me more about myself than almost anything else. So in some ways, it was the model for book two and the tweens and teens I'm writing for now.

I hope Fool's Errand inspires you to step out of your comfort zone when it comes to having and making friends. If it does, I hope you'll let me know.

I also founds some articles on middle school friendships in case you're interested:

What Middle School Girls Should Know About Friendship

The Ups and Downs of Middle School Friendships

Middle School is When the Right Friends May Matter Most


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Writing in History: Sharing the "Red Scare" with Middle Schoolers

I first started working on The Beat on Ruby's Street because of spending time in Greenwich Village when my older sister moved there with her family. I loved the history all around me and thought it would be fun to explore the Beat Generation culture and set my story there.

That sent me on a journey that led me to exploring the poetry, writing and art of the 1950s and early 1960s, and now brings me to book two of the Beat Street Series, called Fool's Errand. Set again in 1958, it pits Ruby and her best friend Sophie against the infamous Blacklist, which robbed many writers of their livelihoods and hurt numerous families.

When you're working on a historical novel, I've found the trick isn't so much the research - though of course you need to do that to figure out what was going on at the time you're writing about. The trick for me is situating your characters inside that historical time and seeing how it affects them.

As it happens, the Blacklist was starting to wind down in 1958 and times weren't nearly as crazy as they were about 10 years earlier. But there still was a Blacklist, which allows me to plunk it down in the middle of my story and mess up everyone's life (because that's what writers do).

Because Sophie's mother is a comedy-show writer, she is deeply affected by the Blacklist and loses her job. Fool's Errand focuses on what happens to Sophie, her mother and Ruby during this time.

What was most interesting to me about the Blacklist was how it bred a culture of fear, not only in the minds of those affected, but in people who worried about being affected. I think what happens when countries are led by people whose main purpose is to control them--confusing the word "govern" with control--is that the country becomes sick, like someone with the flu. And the sickness spreads through fear, which keeps people from speaking up and rebelling.

While writing this new story, I've also started thinking about our own times, and whether the Blacklist years have anything to teach us about government, power and the way we react. 

Because my characters are growing up in the heart of the Beat Generation in Greenwich Village, they tend to be rebellious. I hope this leads them to fight fear and use whatever they have to stay strong and free. That doesn't mean they won't get hurt along the way--but it does mean they're going to get up again and keep trying. That's what I want middle schoolers to know--and why I landed on this book.

Fool's Errand should be out in 2018.

For more information on the Blacklist, try these links:

Blacklist Profiles: 7 Writers and Actors Who Defied Hollywood

The Red Scare Comes to Hollywood

Walt Disney, Ronald Reagan and the Fear of Hollywood Communism




Photo

Young girl: Katie Tegtmeyer

Kids and Clothes: Who Decides?

Do you stand in front of your closet fitfully in the morning, trying to decide what to wear? If you decided the night before, do you change your mind once you see yourself in the mirror?

Not every day, but yes, I have done this and still do it. I was fortunate in some ways to have a son because his peers (if not him) were less interested in being supremely fashionable at every moment. Not meaning to be sexist here, but having been a girl in middle school, I remember some pretty awful times when my clothes (and I) were judged harshly.

Girls can be brutal about this sort of thing. On the other hand, my son had extremely strong opinions about what he should wear and what sort of hair cut he needed. At one point, he badgered me about getting tips of his dark hair frosted blonde, and after a month or so I consented. "It looked terrible. Why did you let me do that?" he asked recently, after looking at an old picture of himself.

"So you'd leave me alone," I replied. The truth is, I find dressing myself so exhausting, I have barely any brain space to dress anyone else.

Meanwhile, my son also tried an earring at one point,  due to the example of an older stepbrother at his father's house. My husband complained that he didn't like hearing his wife and son discussing earring choices. I can't really say I blame him, because I had hoped having a son would buy us tickets into a fashionista-free zone. No such luck.

On the other hand, I am still convinced a girl would have been worse--really much worse, based on my own experience. My middle-school peers had strict rules about where you were supposed to buy your clothes, and they were often far more expensive than I could afford.

In high school, I found ways around that by wearing jeans, and to be fair, my high school was a LOT cooler than my middle school by virtue of being a LOT more diverse. It gave me the basis for a different way of looking at things, and a window into the kind of Beat Generation community I created in The Beat on Ruby's Street.

Right now, though, I'm thinking about how we choose clothes for our kids. I learned to always bring my son with me to pick out whatever he needed, whether it was jeans, shorts, bathing suits or winter coats. If I didn't, I ended up bringing the clothes back because he refused to wear them. So unless you are part of a religious community where dress codes are prescribed, (and maybe then too?) I think it's a good idea to at least consult them about what they wear.

I'm not saying they have to have the final decision. If you feel uncomfortable with something your kid chooses, tell them. If they balk, ask them who pays for their clothes (and remind them it's you, if necessary.) If you and your spouse or ex-spouse don't agree, then you need to hash it out and ask your kid why he or she is making the choice to wear the outfit in question.

All in all, though, I think kids mostly figure out a middle-ground of dressing that isn't too extreme, but you need to give them some of your hard-earned wisdom and guidance (whether they're listening nor not). 

Because it IS our job as parents to make sure we're involved in their decisions. Otherwise, you're likely to wind up with an eleven year old who wears earrings and dyes his hair.

Oops. Well. At least his hair was never purple.

For more on this topic, I found these posts:

Teaching Kids to Dress Their Age

Don't Buy It Guide

Photo of kids with dyed hair: joey zanotti

Just Three Bites

When my son Josh was young, and by young I mean between when he started walking and age nine, he didn't much like eating, especially dinner. I think kids just want to move or run or sparkle or play and you can't do very much of that when you're tableside.

At first, I believed he'd starve to death if he didn't have a real dinner or at least get some kind of disease from malnutrition. Someone told me children would never starve if there was food on the table but being a first-time mom, I wasn't sure if I could believe that.

I tried all kinds of kid-friendly meals (which mostly comes down to pasta, strawberries and yogurt) but also hoped slipping some veggies in here and there where I could would help. Josh was a grazer, and luckily liked cucumber, which he ate while we were shopping. Berries and summer fruits seemed attractive to him too, so I slipped those into lunch boxes daily.

Still, we never did make much headway with dinnertime. After a while I made a deal. I'd try to get him to eat as much as he could (maybe 10 percent of his meal, if I was lucky), and then when he said he was done, I said he needed three more bites of something before he could leave the table. He took those bites, and that was how we left it.

Later, if he got hungry, I wasn't one of those moms who said, "You didn't finish dinner. Deal with it." Instead, I let him have fruits or veggies or even a little toast and butter. Milk or hot chocolate were OK at bedtime. And somehow, as children do, my son grew up and got big enough to play football in seventh grade.

By the time Josh was eight or nine, I decided I was done obsessing about nutrition. That didn't mean I wasn't obsessing about other stuff, though. My son was very active, and probably too active for a lot of his teachers' tastes. Several asked me to get him tested for ADD or ADHD. Health food store employees told me to cut out sugary juice drinks and never allow sodas.

I suppose I could have, maybe even should have, done some of this stuff. But the last thing I wanted was to give my son pills of any kind just because he was antsy. I worked with him a lot at home on homework and he knew we expected good grades and he had to pay attention in school, even if he didn't like it. I tried to minimize sugary drinks at night but I stopped obsessing about what he was eating and when.

I don't know if this was the "right" thing to do, but I can say junior high seemed easier for him than elementary school and high school seemed better still and he started to shine in college. In looking back, I feel lucky that all my coparents (husband, Josh's dad and his wife) were great parents too. I have a feeling my son's stepmother was responsible for Josh learning to try and eventually like a lot of new foods.

Seeing where my son is now (and wondering what he'll be like as a parent) makes me realize that most of the time, we parents are too hard on ourselves. Yes, we mess up (and I did a lot) but even with those messes, I still think our ledger falls closer to the "OK" side of things than not. And as for dinner time, well... I'm here to tell you (promise) -- those three bites really can be enough.

On the Road: Traveling Wishes

My friend Mindy once told me she tried to be a traveler as opposed to a tourist when she left home for any period of time, and I always thought that was wise. Of course, you don't have to travel far to learn something about people, which is the point, I think, of going anywhere.

In Mark Helprin's book A Winter's Tale a young woman gets a job at the New York Times and is told to walk around the city all day, find interesting people and talk to them. I can't think of a better job for a writer-- or anyone else, for that matter.
And I don't think I'm the only one who feels that way.

In The Beat on Ruby's Street, Ruby is fascinated with Jack Kerouac and his book On the Road because I think she understands the most important thing about travel is getting inside the heads of people who live completely different lives. Ironically, Ruby has hardly been anywhere beyond her home turf of Greenwich Village.

In book two, I'm setting things up so Ruby will have to travel nearly as much as Kerouac did. I guess I need to travel vicariously through her, but I also want her to share what she learns about people outside of her Beat-Generation community.

My own traveling life hasn't been nearly as extensive as I'd like, but I promised myself to try and see all the places (or at least half) that interest me in the next decade. My son and I both want to see every country that starts with the letter "I.".

Besides travel in the U. S., Canada and Mexico, I visited Paris, Amsterdam and a little Swiss village on a college trip and have been to Ireland and Israel since then, but that isn't nearly enough to make me the traveler I want to be. I just think travel teaches us (and our kids) so much more about the world than we could ever learn in school.

My son has been to Italy and Israel though college trips: a summer studying opera in Italy and two school semesters in Jerusalem. When he talks to me about meeting Palestinians and Israelis, traveling to border areas or singing for Italian audiences, I can see how his experiences changed and and are still changing him. I tell him my biggest travel wish is to get to Prague, because any country that elected a playwright for its president is a country I need to see.

If there is a way for your son or daughter to travel, and/or for you to go with them, I hope you will. If you can do it while they're in elementary school, all the better. And it doesn't have to be some exotic destination either--even walking around your city talking to people you find interesting could be a great experience. Because isn't the best travel about how far our minds can take us, wherever we go?

Ideas on traveling with kids can be found here:

Travel with Kids: Why You Should Do It and Do It Now

15 Places Your Kid should See Before 15

Kids. Money. Scream.

Just the word alone can make you nervous. Puts kids and money in the same sentence and you’re really in for a scare. Is there a way to teach your kids about money without going bonkers?

I have no idea. My approach was best described as "whatever works," if not completely haphazard.

We had chores, we had allowances, we had plenty of “no” responses to requests for things, and then we had too many presents on holidays, and I promise you:

I still have no clue about what I was doing or not doing--let alone if I was doing it right.

I have no idea if my son knows the real value of a dollar, five dollars or fifty, for that matter. He was really good at getting out of chores, but we nagged at him, and eventually he would do them, money or no.

On the other hand, we bribed him to do all kinds of things (homework, ironing, cleaning the salamander tank). Bribing is not recommended with kids, but in the real world, you do it, especially if you are desperate to get something done.

What about you? Do you get your kids to “earn” every dollar? What are your plans about helping them pay for college? (Ours got lucky because a grandparent died and left some money behind).

What about figuring out a consistent approach to money with co-parents after a divorce? (Cue incessant laughter from the audience).

What about grad school? (Don’t get me started). What about saving for your own retirement? Going through a recession and losing your job and wondering what you were going to do about all the expenses including college?

What about… putting your head under a pillow and screaming for the next 20 years?

The only thing that I think really worked well concerning teaching my son something about money was a job he took during high school at a masonry business. The owner was so mean and the work was so hard, he decided he really wanted to go to college because he didn’t ever want to work his life away in a place like that.

Of course, I had nothing to do with this decision or this lesson. So I can’t even take credit for it. But are artists really supposed to know how to be "smart" about money? What does that even mean? 

And no, I don't mean to use being an artist as an excuse, because it isn't. I just can't hold myself up as an example, and if you knew me, I'm sure you wouldn't want me to. As a complete failure at coming up with good tips on this topic, the only thing I can do is share some articles from people who, hopefully, know better:

Teaching Children Money Habits for Life

The Smart Way to Teach Children about Money

7 Ways Smart Parents Teach their Kids about Money

Hope they work for you!

Baby with money photo: familytreasures

Naming and Framing: Your Character's Voice

Ever get stuck trying to write in a character's voice? When I started working on The Beat on Ruby's Street, I could hear the main character Ruby very clearly. That was a good thing because the narration is crafted from Ruby's point of view.

The other characters were sometimes harder to pinpoint though-- much harder. One of the toughest things writers have to do is create different voices for each character - and that means knowing them really well.

Sometimes, I found, I trip myself up by over thinking - and when I do that, every character almost ALWAYS sounds the same if they're not the main character. To avoid tripping, I started an exercise using three or four words to describe each character - just to gain a head start on their voices and viewpoints.

Animal, vegetable or mineral doesn't matter -- as long as you find the right words. And yes, this can be mighty challenging.

Some examples:

Ruby: jazz and  black coffee

Sophie: quicksilver, glasses

Gordy: ivy, ladder, numbers

Nell-mom: persimmon and burgundy

Gary Daddy-o: bass, oranges

Sky: morning, beard

Blu:laughter, swimming, red hair

Levitt: tight skirt, buttons, notebook

Officer Flo: uniform, pudgy fingers

You get the idea - but the phrases, of course, are just the beginning. The rest is up to you (and the character, of course) - and fitting a character around his or her name is just one way to go at it.

Once I have the name, what the character wears, eats, says and does usually start appearing pretty quickly. I also like to experiment with how each character talks and what they might do on any given day.

Sometimes they might appear “done” and ready to go, but usually they evolve, piece by piece and slowly, as the story unfolds.

That’s how I work it, anyway. And, so far, it’s worked for me. If you have a different way and want to share it, that’s great too!

Illustration: Jackson O'Brien Muenster

One Clicque Away: New School Blues

It's the first day of school and I'm walking into class in a not-so-hot dress and definitely not-hot glasses and dorky shoes. So many eyes are following me I can hardly get to my seat fast enough. I am twelve years old.

Just a few weeks before, I was at a camp where everyone knew each other and where every day felt like a struggle. Now, a new school stretched out in front of me like a yawning trap in front of a fox. Why was I here? How could I go back to my former school, where I'd been happy for the past six years?

My elementary school had been a small faith-based Jewish day school where the emphasis was on learning Hebrew and Jewish culture. Students could speak Hebrew fluently and fashion was not even remotely a priority. Most of us were close friends and though of course we were anything but angels, the kind of peer pressure that goes on in secular schools to look like celebrities did not exist.

Somehow or other, my mother decided to pull me out of that school in seventh grade. It may have had something to do with her ideas about the English side of my education, though looking back on it now I think she was wrong. Going to camp had been another mistake, but at least that one had been generated by me.

The first day of school in my New Jersey town will always be with me. Girls in tiny miniskirts with shoes that match their tiny handbags. Hair that  looks like a hair commercial, boys with height and muscle, and everywhere, everywhere, cooly appraising eyes.

I made one friend that year (another new girl) and many enemies. Not so much for anything I said or did, but for how I looked (clearly not one of them). They were even meaner to some of the other girls in class who had been long-term outcasts, but since I was not good at sports and had zero fashion sense, I was pretty low on the list of anyone's go-to friend.

My memories of that year aren't good ones. Teasing, blame, scapegoating, gossip. Invitations that felt more like demands to help them cheat on math tests (which was pretty funny in my case, because I'm terrible at math).

I got lucky somehow over the summer when one of the sort-of popular girls decided to befriend me. I can't remember why, exactly, but think I did her a good turn at some point when she really needed it?) Eighth grade was somewhat better, and then going to high school with a much more diverse student body brought many more friends and a much more interesting life.

But those junior high days taught me that there's no one meaner than a tween-age girl who has lived all her life in a clique bubble of like-minded friends. Can their parents help at all (and would the girls listen)? Books and movies about these girls are rampant, but usually they are made by the kids who were outcasts in junior high (and use those books and movies to work out their feelings). 

Somehow or other, though, all of us will be the new kid on the block at one time in our lives. We may not have fashionable clothes or cliques, but if we can learn to like ourselves, even the littlest bit, for what we do have, I'm convinced things will start to go better for us. 

We don't need to be them or even want to be them. We need to be (and become) ourselves.

More ideas on cliques & being new can be found here:

How to Navigate Clicques: Steve Wood

Starting Middle School: beinggirl.com

Kids' Biggest Middle School Fears: scholastic.com

Photos:

Girls: COD Newsroom

Girls drawing: COD Newsroom

One Imaginary Table, No Waiting: Dream Diaries and Kids

My son once told me about a dream he had when his stepmother was dying. She was awake and happy and her disease was cured, and they were talking together as they always had. 

He woke up and then realized it was all a dream, and the sadness in his voice when he was sharing this story broke my heart. At the same time, I wanted to believe that the most eternal part of his stepmother’s soul was visiting him—and that could, perhaps, provide some kind of comfort to him in days and years to come.

Last May, when a close friend died, I dreamed about seeing her in Springfield, Illinois where she lived. I got off the bus and she took my hand (and I can still remember how warm it was). She said, “Let me show you my town,” and I turned to her, smiling, and then I woke up.

She died a few days later, but she’s visited my dreams a few times since that happened. And each time I wake up, I feel the same loss—and want to go back into my dream again.

A friend once said she started taking Ambien so she would sleep well and stop having dreams. My own dreams tilt and weave, tending to be super-anxious exaggerations of my fears. A lot of times I wake up like Cathy in Wuthering Heights, nearly sobbing with joy and grateful to be back on terra firma.

But would I trade my dreams for “a good night’s sleep?” No, because I think the fact that I’m dreaming at all means I’m doing what my sleep needs me to do. I believe dreams allow us to talk to ourselves and process all the fears, losses, desires, relationships and even other dreams we are having.

Dreams are a rich source of stories. So if I’m dreaming about a stomach specialist who can’t figure out what’s wrong with me, I want to pay attention. If I can remember that dream coupled with a dream about a close friend taking pictures of a landscape using a beautiful blue filter, I can knit those concepts together when I wake up—and see where they lead.

I never started a dream diary with my son when he was growing up but I wish I had, because his dreams were fascinating. We did try and tell each other our dreams whenever we remembered them, and I always thought they gave us great insights into how we felt about life and what we wanted from it.

With hindsight being everything, I’m recommending to you, now, to start a dream diary with your child or children. Ask them to try and remember everything they can as soon as they wake up and jot down a few notes (before school) and more detailed notes (on weekends).

I hope you’ll find these dream diaries open up new worlds between you and your kids. Even if they don’t, though, I bet they’ll yield up some fun conversations. One imaginary table, no waiting. Hold (off on) the Ambien—forever, if you can.

For more on dream journals, you might try these articles:

Keeping a Dream Journal: Rebecca Turner

Science Says Keeping a Dream Diary Can Make Us More Creative: David K. William

Why Children Have More Control of Their Dreams: Ann Lukits

Girl Opening Door: Rachel Titiriga

Bridge photo: Peter Budd

Parenting Passion

My husband tells me sometimes he is jealous because I knew what I wanted to do at an early age and he is still trying to figure it out. I tell him that’s not true, he did figure it out, but hasn’t yet been able to make it happen.

He grew up loving airplanes and wanted to fly. I saw how much he loved planes on a recent tri to an air museum. While I thought the World War I and II planes were really cool, he stopped lovingly in front of each one and read its history. He told me I’d always be his wife, but these guys were his mistress.

I get it.

I feel that way about certain plays, shows, songs, films and even phrases. I can spend the whole day thinking up the perfect word, delete it, and start over again at three a.m. And once a song gets stuck in my head, God help me for trying to get it out again.

My husband went to flight school but finances and circumstances prevented him from finishing. Dream 2 of being a film editor also hasn’t happened yet, but I am hopefull he will find a way at some point to make his dreams come true.

As a parent, of course, your first dream for your kids is to help them find their dreams—even though you know it won’t be easy. My son showed us early on how much he loved acting and performing; though I knew I could tell him until I was blue in the face what a hard road that could be, I also knew that would make no difference.

When I was 11 or so I told my mother I wanted to be an actress. She kept telling me how hard a life it was, and I was having none of it. Finally she gave up and started coming to see me in plays when I was in college.

Looking back on it now, I sometimes think maybe every parent should say no to their kid’s first dream. Does it make you more stubborn about achieving it, somehow, when there’s something to rebel against?

My son wanted to learn how to play saxophone and talked me into buying him the instruments; argued me into letting him learn boxing and (against all odds) turned me into a fan; and then found his way to vocal performance and opera. Watching him grow up taught me we don’t find our passions so much as unearth them, like archaeologists excavating under mounds of rock and soil.

The fun part is not just figuring it out, but figuring out where those passions are most likely to rise and then being there to catch them. The playwright Marsha Norman once said that when she has an idea for a play, she tries to forget about it. The ideas that refuse to go away are the ones she ends up writing about.

So maybe you don’t really need to do much of anything to help our kids find their passions. Maybe the best idea is just to let them explore and excavate. Sooner or later, I think they’ll find what they’re looking for and start to fly. All we really have to do is get out of the way.

For more on kids, ambition and passion, take a look at these articles:

Can You Teach Ambition?

When Your Child’s Ambition is Greater than You Ever Imagined

How Feeding Children’s Ambition Only Sets Them Up to Fail

World War One plane: Florida Keys Public Libraries

Saxophone: Evonne

Graduates: Luftphilia